scruffy said
im the poster boy for untreated psychological conditions.  

i can hack it.  

Then you’re a better man than I, and I have no problem admitting that.

chaos is the natural order at the gathering.  

I know that, now. Having a year under my belt will render the majority of the anxieties I suffered from last year moot. At least, I hope.

just keep remindin yourself, ‘… for i am the baddest mufucka in the valley’, et cetera.  

That works just fine when trying to maneuver through a crowd or whatever, or to keep people away, that’s the usual way I operate on a day to day basis. But when you’re trying to be social (especially when that’s not in your nature), being the scary imposing dude is more of a liability than an asset lol. That much I know you can relate to, you’re not a small dude yourself. Just skinny as fuck. Malnourished, even. Eat, dude, eat! ;)

Unfornately i am fucked again. My personal life is always in chaos and i had to move again. Now im back in waterloo, rendering my bus  tickets useless now. I was set to take off from Ottumwa, ia. Things didnt work out there, so now im back here.

So unless i get a ride to and from the gathering, looks like i will miss out yet again.

scruffy said
i oughtta roll up there and scoop you up, but i dont even know that ima make it, yet.  

Well if you do, let me know so i have time to buy my gathering ticket. Im so pissed. This was the year i was gonna make to gotj finally….but no. Life and circumstancers just love to fuck to me over when i try to save and plan for shit. I hate to blame this on my wife…but if she hadnt left in the first place i wouldnt have had to come back to waterloo at all and id still be good to go this year.

Oh fuckin well i guess. Theres always next year. (ive said that the last couple years lol)

entrappedmind said
Anxiety. I hate that word, because there’s so much in my life that’s been dictated by it. Hell, if it wasn’t for this forum right here, my social anxiety would have prevented me from going to the Gathering last year at all, and even if I had gone, kept me from enjoying it. When we arrived, and I saw everyone parked in the pre-parking lot, I drove past to a gas station a few miles down the road, just to build up the gumption to pull in. Once I returned and parked, and started feeling a little bit more comfortable, we had to pack back up and get lined up to enter the parking lot proper – resetting my internal anxious-meter lol. Once we got parked, the only thing that made me go stand in line to get our programs and armbands was the fact that I couldn’t bloody well leave at that point, we were sardine’d in. The whole time standing in line, I was convinced I was in the wrong line – a feeling that only got worse, and worse, and freakin’ worse as the hour and some minutes passed. Then I found out that I’d have to do my car pass later, but no one knew where – or when – or how. That one was damn near heart-attack inducing. Finally get told the printout for my car pass, which I arrived with, was all I needed – and I’m fucking convinced the entire night and morning as we line up to enter that I’ll be turned away because I fucked something up. Get word that @scottied is waiting for us to collect our shirts, fight through my anxiety to go and find him, and get turned away by @psykoscott because Scottie is down the street getting propane or ice or something. Never get brave enough to go find him again ’til I’m with the entire group inside. Find out @carnivalkilla44 is looking to hook up with forum people, make a half-hearted attempt to go find him in the line, and give up after about 5 minutes because I don’t have the balls to simply holler out “CK44!”. Get lined up, make our way into the grounds, and loop the place three times (getting stuck 4 times) trying to find a spot, any spot. Decide my efforts are in vain. Decide I’m going to just give up and leave, because by this point, I’m knee-deep in a psychological breakdown. Almost accidentally, I find the spot I wound up in. Unpack. Settle down. Fight with myself about going to the meet-up. Wander to the top of the hill, look down, and don’t see anyone that “looks the part”. Almost turn around. Go down the hill, stand and the bleachers and try to act natural. Still don’t see whatever the hell I expect the folks I was looking for to look like. Almost turn around. Finally work up the balls to ask under my breath “Uh… Faygoluvers…?” Not realizing the people I’m asking all have matching fucking shirts on that SAY “Meetup Massacre” clear as day on them. I found my people. I “know” these people. I can relax.

So yeah. My site turned out to be a glimmering oasis in a desert of broken hope and gut-wrenching anxiety. My site saved half of the Gathering for me. And it turned out perfect. But if I just had the site, if I hadn’t known people through here already to meet up with, it would’ve been a bust. Socially, you folks, and FLH as a whole, was the oasis.

So… There’s my story. The whole story. Hell, that could even serve as my belated write-up – because everything beyond that was just gravy. My Gathering experience was all about conquering my anxiety, and how you folks and the relative safe-zone my site represented helped me to do so.

How’s that for anxiety, @verytwiztidraven ?

That’s real homie

@entrappedmind I understand what you mean. Well, maybe after reading THAT, I could say that YOU understand what *I was feeling freaking out about my ticket and all that other shit.

Personally, (once I had ticket in hand) MY anxiety subsided as soon as I saw the gates for Legend Valley. It meant my car didn’t blow up or lose a tire or I didn’t get mugged at a rest area, get run off the road by a tractor trailer or worse, gotten LOST on my way there. I was proud of having taken the whole trip by myself and actually managing to get there!

After having gotten my FLH shirt and had you guys shout me out of the crowd, I was just nervous about meeting you all and minding my manners. I mean, you had yer kid there so I didn’t know how to react. Like, for that short time I was chillin’ with you all, some guys walked by us with a sign advertising “Free Dabs!”. Given the situation, I wasn’t too comfortable yelling at the guy to come over with ya’ll sitting there as I didn’t know how it would make me come off (never done a dab). And even though I was a lone ninja walking through a sea of strangers with no chance of running into anyone I knew; and even though I ended up wandering off from everyone, it was cool to know that you guys were out there somewhere…

Like I’ve said, having at least one under yer belt makes the next SO much easier to look forward to and “plan” for.

entrappedmind said
Whoa whoa whoa. Lemme clarify something. I said anxiety. Nobody mentioned fear. Entirely different animals. The only thing that’s ever had me experience legitimate fear is my acrophobia. Fear is fun to confront, to conquer. There’s no defeating anxiety, only managing it.

I think u missed his point homie…..

I have anxiety, to say the least.

Anxiety and fear go hand and hand. At least to me. One is the symptom of the other and vise versa. Again for me.

Not trying to be a dick at all. Not my intentions. But i think ur fear of someone thinking ur afraid made u miss a good one.

That last line speaks volumes, its something i repeat in my head all the time. Just run it around a little.

scruffy said
‘fearful’ isnt really an epithet, everybody just acts like it is.  

anxiety is fear.  a rather mild variety, to be sure, but it really is the same shit.

 

all that fear is, is your body lookin out for you.  body dont know any better.  it has nothin to go on but those primal instincts, wired into our animal bones.  

thats why i say fear should be respected, and ultimately, embraced.  just cant allow it to take over.  

 

honestly, its so rare for me to be utterly afraid of something, that when it happens, its almost a kick.  unless im in danger, in which case, its a kick later, after the smoke clears.  

ya know, like roller coasters and scary movies, for normal folk.  

Yeah when my anxiety kicks in my brains fucken with me. When im about to die i feel nothing till afterwords. Sometimes i give nervous laughter. 

Its just how we deal ya’ll. 

Im always afraid of random shit. Its always like taking my dog to the vet. Or fucken ferris wheels. Or like false reality or something. I getting carried away. 

Its the same to me to really. Anxiety to me feels like a feeli g of impending doom. Kinda like death. Hardwired for death. Sometimes our chemicals get carried away or it springs from mom and pops.

embrace your fear, respect it, but never let it make any decisions for you.  

Thats the line i was talking about.