The Masked Ninja's Report - Nashville TN. Tuesday, Dec 1st, 1999.

Today was a much better day than yesterday was, thank God. I was awoke by a rooster at the crack of dawn, so I knew we had to be in Nashville. It was about 9:00 AM when I rolled out of my bunk. I ain't been up this early in years. I really don't even know why I was awake so early, but I was... so I headed for them Fruity Pebbles. Rude Boy was already awake and sitting up front with our driver Bart. I swear that ninja wakes up with the fuckin' birds man. Today was another day off for us, so we figured while we're here in Nashville, we'd get some shit fixed on the bus. This city has about 6 different tour bus companies in it. There is tour bus repair shops all over this town. What better day than today to get the shit fixed? After all, we didn't have shit else to do. We pulled into Bart's favorite bus repair lot. it looked like and old bus graveyard. There was broken down buses everywhere.

Some of them looked older than time. There was them Double Decker London buses. little red retard buses, big gray prison buses and all that crazy shit. Mostly there was old ass tour buses scattered around that looked just like our bus probably will in 2 years. It was wild as hell. One bus was so old, Beethoven must have toured in it back in the day. I saw Vanilla Ice's old bus, Milli Vanilli's, Warrant's, MC Hammer's, Poison's, Eminem's... anyone has been in the business had an old bus somewhere in this dreaded place. I started to picture a bad thought... What if one day, our bus is chillin' on this lot? Lodged somewhere in between Coolio and Color Me Badd's buses? That's a horrible thought. It will never happen, fuck that shit.

Within' seconds there was ninjas all up in our bus fixing shit. Dougie Doug, Monoxide, and Violent J were all still asleep, but that didn't slow these repair ninjas down at all. One ninja was fixing the TV in Rude Boy's bunk. Another ninja was fixing the front stereo. There was ninjas outside changing the tires and all that. They were raising the big ass engine and oil was shooting all over the fuckin place. Ninjas were pulling spark plugs out and tuning mufflers everywhere you looked. The guys somehow slept right through it all. I tried to quiet the repair ninjas down some, but they ignored me. They were like the pit crew for Mario Andretti. They were loud as fuck. There was drills, hammers, buzz saws, roosters, welders, and everything Nashville had to offer. every ninja working on the bus looked like a cross between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Axl Rose.

Old ass, burnt out, half bald rock and rollers. They were tossing beers to each other like they were playing hot potato or something. They were yellin' at each other like "Hey Bob, bring me that fuckin' crescent wrench". Bob would yell back, "Fuck you Jimbo, getcha damn self." Tires, nuts, bolts, and screwdrivers were flying all over the fuckin' place. Fistfights were breaking out over the rights to the fliers. I was completely terrified.I hid under the covers and pillows in the far corner of my bunk. I stayed there trembling in fear while these Nashville roughnecks went to town on the bus and on each other. I waited for about 4 hours, until all of the drilling and pounding stopped. Then I felt the bus moving. I could hear Bart yelling good-byes to everyone in Southern Twang language, so I figured it must be over. I slowly cam crawling back out. I couldn't believe it.

The place was spotless! I've never seen the bus look, run, and sound this good. Somehow the crazy red necks schooled it. The bus was back to its perfect state, just like it was the day we got it 8 months ago. On the way out of the bus lot, we stopped and took a look inside of Prince's personal tour bus. It was the super, nuclear bomb bus. We were stunned by it's freshness. It was all pink and purple on the inside and purple and black on the outside. It had a shower, a washer, and a dryer, 3 big ass TV's, and a giant personal bedroom in the back. Our bus sleeps 8 ninjas, and his only slept 2.

So his bus had extra room for shit like couches and heart shaped love seats everywhere. This fuckin' bus had exercised equipment, a big fish tank with whales and dolphins in it, a swimming pool with a water slide, a running track, a 24 hour night club, a bowling ally, and arcade room with 4 pool tables, and a roller coaster all inside of that mother fucker. His bus was the shit. He even had a 9 hole golf course on the roof of that bitch. Rude Boy is Princes biggest fan, and he was trippin' out over this shit. I think he might of even stole a pair of Prince's thongs when we weren't looking.

Friday, January 7th 2000

What up, Juggalos! This is The Masked Ninja, back here on the ICP website to give you the latest secret information from the Wicked Clowns from Outer Space tour. Friday night, we all left Detroit to head to Chicago for three straight sold-the-fuck-out shows. That’s right, ninja… CHI-TOWN! There’s a mad amount of ninjas in the Chicago area, so ICP and Twiztid were extremely pumped to rock their Chicago peeps. Before we left, everybody was informed that one of our bus drivers (Bart) had been arrested for the possession of weed, while driving an Insane Clown Posse bus. Not only did they put his ass in jail for a while, but they also impounded the bus.

Because of all that drama, we have one ICP bus for the crew and another short-term non-looking-fresh bus for the artists. We get the bus back in a few days, so there is no sweating it. Because of the new bus, we also have a new bus driver. His name is Jeffrey. He was saying he used to drive for the Brian Seltzer Orchestra before he got fired because he wanted more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, Jeff is quite the weirdo. The only fresh things that sticks out of my mind that went down Friday night was what we called the "Arby's Incident".

That’s right mother fucker! Violent J, Shaggy 2 Dope, Brian Gorie, and ICP’s and Twiztid’s new personal bodyguard Mr. Meaner were in Arby’s and some stale-ass skank started calling one of us a fag. That didn’t sit well with us one bit. Shaggy ran over to that hoe with a quickness and screamed every last word in his vocabulary at her. Her girlfriend and two boyfriends were shook like no other. That bitch shut up fast as can be. The obviously drunk bitch left that day knowing not to talk shit to nobody, because the end result could leave you fucked up. The night ended as we watched TV and I crawled into my bunk at 5am. We entered the village of Paw Paw, Michigan. Shit, talk about a mad stale place to live. Till tomorrow ninjas, I’m out like Mick Foley’s back…

Saturday, January 8th, 2000.

After sleeping a devastating 3 hours last night, it’s Saturday morning, and it’s our 1st night in Chicago at the House of Blues mother fucker! Whooo! After we checked in to the hotel, we were set and jacked to get on the stage, but the show wasn’t for hours! ICP and Twiztid were so ready to play, I’m sure they would have set up their show on the valet parking area and bust a move with stale ass Bob the bus-boy. When we got started, the unfortunate happened. As Violent J started to show his ass. It’s already well documented in these reports about Violent J’s ass problem. Anyhow, J started knocking on people’s doors at the hotel, just to moon people.

At the 1st door, some Backstreet Boy looking homo answered the door and when he saw J’s ass in his face, he wasn’t thrilled to say the least! He shut that door fast as hell, and it was onto door #2. Some guy in a business suit answered along with his hot-looking bitch. It was like they were excepting J for dinner. They both yelled so loud, I’m sure the whole hotel heard it. It was onto door #3 and J knocked. Out came this nasty ass Dusty Rhodes looking fat chick. J didn’t see her when he mooned her, but we sure did. As we sat there in complete and utterly shock, the unthinkable happened. This large ugly female took her hand, looked at J’s ass, and she spanked it. She spanked Violent J’s big fat naked ass!

J looked into that bitch’s eyes and I don’t know what was going through his mind… but he screamed louder than Jennifer Love Hewett in I Know What You Did Last Summer. After that, he flew by the elevator and ran down the stairs completely out of sight. After that incident, I didn’t see J for hours. The thought of J bouncing didn’t worry me that much, but two things did worry me. #1 – Violent J doesn’t run, and he ran down some stairs. #2 – Violent J usually gets super pissed even at the sight of stairs. You put one and one together, and he ran down some muthafuckin’ stairs. It turned out he was OK, just mad shook. Do us all a favor, if you ever see Violent J's bare ass in your face, and you are a nasty Dusty Rhodes-looking fat chick, please just walk away…

Anyway, we finally got to the House of Blues around 6:00 am. We have a brand new opener for ICP and Twiztid. Their band name is 20 Dead Flower Children and they play Heavy Metal. I know nothing other than that so check them out on the tour. After 20DFC went on, it was time for Twiztid to hit the stage. All 900 Juggalos packed into HoB’s broke out with a huge "Twiztid" chant that probably could be heard on Pluto. They rocked those Juggalos like they had never been rocked before. Then, it was time for the wicked clowns to hit that stage. Lemme tell ya… they rocked Chicago like they owned the place. Oh, wait, we do! Tonight there was a barricade separating the crown from the stage. We hate barricades, cause it’s harder for the Juggalos to get on stage. I don’t think the crowd minded though, because it seemed to me like all of those 900 ninjas made it onstage for "Pass Me By".

It was wild as hell. Shaggy eve got lost for a minute in that devastating tornado of ninjas. After the show, Mr. Meaner, Nathan, Billy Bill, Dougie, Brian, Jamie, Monoxide, Alex A., Patrick, Shaggy, J, and me all dined at this shit hole of a restaurant. It was called Grub or something wack like that. Anyway, there were table cloths covering the tables, but if you looked under the cloth, tons of graffiti & scribblin’. If you looked up at the ceiling, mad amounts of useless babble scribbled and weird ass carvings and shit. It was like carving that would take hours to accomplish. Maybe that’s a new type of way to design a restaurant. Whatever. The meal ended with on of the freshest things ever happened. Our bill came to us and they had it written on a napkin with a blue pen.

Before I ask, no! You have never went to a restaurant and received your bill on a napkin! Stale. J, Jamie, Meaner, and Brian went back to the bus. Shaggy and Madrox went back to the hotel, possibly to get intimate with each other… but that’s just speculation! Jamie made up a flyer for a Psychopathic party happening Sunday night. Brian checked into his bunk early, and J, Meaner, and me watched Big Money Hustlas while Brian was sleeping in his bunk. Violent J crept up to him and slipped in with him as a joke. Brian woke up and said sternly "What is happening?" With that, J, Mr. Meaner, and me hit our bunks… awaiting Sunday’s 2nd show at House of Blues. Its 6am, and I’m gone like the hair from Kevin Sullivan’s head.

The Ninja Report – Sunday, Jan 9th

Tonight should be the bomb. Not only are we playing our 2nd night at the HOB’s in Chicago, but we also are holding a "Keep it on the down low" Party at the HOB’s Hotel, so it should be the bomb. Today started at 3:30 AM, as I barely convinced myself to move, but I managed to get out of my bunk. The only person awake was Violent J, who started off my day by showing his ass my way… prick! After some more people woke up and showered, a group of us headed over to the mall in a limo. Violent J, who was in a clown mood (go figure…) was poking fun constantly at Jamie Madrox. In the limo, Shaggy did what he does best… smoke cigarettes and talk on his cell phone. When Shaggy put his phone down, it quickly vanished. Shaggy started freaking out, yelling he wanted his phone back.

All of a sudden, Violent J pulled down his pants for the 1000th time today and out of his ass fell Shaggy’s phone… Shaggy grabbed his phone, and BOOM! Shaggy hit J right in the head with the cell phone. Oh shit, it’s StrangleMania in the limo! A small weapons Battle Royale that ensued among Brian Gory, Shaggy, Madrox, Monoxide, Dougie, & Mr. Meaner. Anything you can think of that is in a limo was used. Glasses, TV’s, Pillows, ashtrays, clocks, and some other assorted objects. There wasn’t really a winner, but I guarantee you the limo driver had some cleaning up to do afterwards. The mall was pretty fuckin’ stale. The only thing worth mentioning is that we invited a bunch of girls to our party last night. Not that we thought they would show up, cause this was a scrub party… a Juggalo party, mother fucker!!!

We got to the venue, and 20 Dead Flower Children has already started their set. After a little while Twiztid hit the stage along with Michael Myers and Jason who were absent from the show for some reason on Saturday. Oh wait, I think that was their day off. You have to do those extra-curricular activities sometime! For some reason, it seemed a hell of a lot hotter Sunday night than Saturday night. I saw mad Juggalos passing out left, right, up, down, all around. After Twiztid rocked it like no other, ICP’s set was next, they opened with "Chicken Huntin’" and I seriously thought the roof of that place was going to blow the fuck off. All the Juggalos in that place knew all the words to every last song. That's why Chicago ninjas are the shit!

After the show, everybody took showers and were off to the party. We had passed out flyers for it at the show tonight, so we were expecting those Juggalos. The party started at midnight. My job was to stand outside the hotel and get the Juggalos to the party way the fuck upstairs. We rented an entire floor of the hotel, so that was the shit. I wasn’t at the party that much, but I talked to everybody and here’s some highlights from the party: Shaggy already had a bitch with him from the night before. So he spent his night marinating on the same couch looking for sleeping pills. Nathan spent his night taking everybody’s favorite sexual position to try and find matches to hook everybody up. I went with any, while Mr. Meaner had the "pickle buff".

Many girls at the party proceeded to draw pictures of their favorite positions using stick figures. Violent J went with the "Naked girl lying on her stomach and slide your dick between those butt cheeks and fuck" method. Violent J, sometime during the party, got some ass from some bitch. To quote Violent J, he said "it felt like fucking a hole in the wall". She just didn’t know how to fuck. Because of this occurrence, Violent J now claims Chicago bitches don’t know how to fuck. As soon as J felt the party was stale, a bunch of us left to go back to the bus. After some snacks, Meaner and J went to a porno ship. They cam back with some weird ass Asian porn that sucked a lot of ass. Also, J bought two dildos to annoy Jamie Madrox with. Before you ask, YES!… J is a weirdo. After we watched that stale porn, it was crash-time. Till tomorrow, I’m out like a fat kid in dodge ball!

The Secret Ninja Report for Philadelphia, PA January 14, 2000

What's up, ninjas? This is Brian Gorie returning after 3 days off from the road. From now on, I'm going to take over as the new ninja writing these reports. There was the original Masked Ninja, but he's moved on to other projects. I wrote the last three reports as the Secret Ninja, and I don't think anyone noticed any change. But, I'm going to do these as me from now on, so let's start this shit. I know you all heard about what went down in Chicago last Monday. Because of that, I decided not to do a report for that day. It's Friday and we in beautiful Philly. Tonight, we play one of two sold out nights at the Theater of Living Arts. We left Detroit late last night and I woke up today at around 3:30 p.m. Dougie Doug was the only one up, and I still don't know why I got up. Bottom line: sleep is good. Eventually, everyone slowly woke up and crawled out of their bunks.

I was waiting for this New Jersey girl that I know to show up, so I stayed in the bus while everybody went to have breakfast in the hotel. Mr. Meaner just informed me that absolutely nothing went down during breakfast. But, since this is a place to find out secret information, here's some. For breakfast, everybody had cheeseburgers. Every last mother fucker in our bus had cheeseburgers. The reason I was given for this is because everything else on the menu was shit like "Tuna Bean Filet" or "ala Shitty Dune Pita Loaf". So cheese burgers it was. Hotel restaurants usually suck anyway. Oh well. I was told that their waitress was fine as hell. Violent J, being the registered crazy bastard of the crew, went straight to work. He bothered that bitch from the time they got in that restaurant to the time they paid the bill and bounced. At one point J stuck his finger in his water and told her, "somebody's finger is in my water".

It was stupid, and she thought it was stupid too. Dougie Doug started to smash butter packets with his silverware. The bitch got so pissed, she stole Dougie's silverware and refused to give it back to him until his food was ready. Jamie Madrox jumped into the shit and asked the ditz if they had any toys to give him like at McDonalds or whatever. She replied "I've got toys, but none I can give to you, hon." OH SHIT! I think that bitch was into Jamie or something. Mad Points for Jamie and all fat kids nationwide! My girl eventually showed up, and we watched an old classic. That classic would be a relatively new porno called The N.W.O.( Nude World Order).

It has porn stars fucking, sucking, and wrasslin'. It's stale in the fact that none of the porn stars in the movie know how to wrestle, but at least they know how to fuck. People aren't buying the tape for the fine lucha libre wrestling action anyway. Everyone came back from eating and J continued work on the 18-month "ICP Juggalo Calendar" due out this summer. He was writing words of wisdom for every day of the month. For example, "Never go clubbin' with River Phoenix" or "Never wipe a jelly fish on your toast". When it's done, it's gonna be the shit ninjas. It's going to have Psychopathic Records employees' birthdays, brand new pictures of ICP, and important ICP facts.

Like, the first time Violent J suffered a panic attack or the first day ICP met Alex Abbiss. It will be an 18 month encyclopedia for Juggalos. I'm told it comes out in July this year. After a while, Monoxide wanted to play video games, so that meant he wanted that "Back Of The Bus". So, we bounced on out and after a while, it was time to go to the show. Since the streets here in Philly are all mad small, we couldn't park our bus outside the venue. We had to be dropped off. When we showed up, 20 Dead Flower Children were already on-stage pumping up the crowd for Twiztid and ICP. After their set, Madrox and Monoxide hit that stage with fire in their eyes.

The 800 Juggalos were ready and Twiztid went out there and damn well "Rocked The Dead" and informed them "What The Fuck" was up! The only thing that sucked was this. The show had been sold out for weeks and yet the place looked only half full. This lame ass venue could easily have stuffed 500 more ninjas in it. There must be some kind of fire law or something. They would only allow 800 ninjas in. Whatever, it was still hype. ICP was up next, as this was Shaggy's big return to the stage. Mad ninjas were ready for that and Shaggy was also ready for that. Everyone coast to coast was jacked for that shit. We were all shook as fuck though. Every Psychopathic soldier watched Shaggy's every step. When the time came, Shaggy and J delivered with mad flavor for the Philly Juggalos!

Nobody was disappointed at the end of the night as everybody had busted eardrums and broken eye sockets from the insanity. After the show, we were packing up and some mother fucker passed by in a Pinto and yelled "ICP Sucks". Usually ninjas like this get away but not this time. Dougie, with a quickness, ran and kicked a big fucking dent in their car. You think those bitches stopped and got out of their pussy car? Oh Hell No! They were out, like the true little dicks we knew they were. That's Dougie, he don't fuck around. I bounced from the venue and hung out with JCW Wrestler Angel after the show at her Death Lair (no joke). Let me tell you, she is one crazy bitch. Not only does she get in the ring and do those "Titties in the Thumbtacks" death matches, but she also likes to street fight.

We were trying to find a cab and some drunk Juggalo (just walking down the street) tried to goose one of Angel's big ol' titties. Oh boy, was that a mistake. Angel grabbed that mother fucker, press slammed him, and gave him a back breaker. Well, actually it was more like she pushed him off her, but whatever. We got our cab and were out. I got back to the hotel around 3:00 am to find no Twiztid (probably smoking weed somewhere in the hotel). J was still working on Words of Wisdom for the ICP Juggalo Calendar and Shaggy was fixing something in his bunk. His bunk is hooked up like Las Vegas. Christmas lights, neon posters, tiger fur blankets, silk pillow cases and all that.

It's fuckin nuts. I'll send you a photo of it. Mr. Meaner, the intellectual he is, was reading a book and Dougie was talking on his phone. There's three people that talk on their phones like mad on this bus. Dougie, Shaggy, and me are those three. The worst of all of us has to be Shaggy. Ok, none of you care, but this useless info may help you one day. Trust Me. After a while, ninjas started to crawl into their bunks one by one. I was the 3rd ninja out so I cant tell you what happened after that. Tomorrow, it's Day 2 in Philadelphia. Until then, I'm out like Master P's WCW wrestling career.

The Ninja Report for January 17, 2000 Pittsburgh, PA + other dates

You see, the artist bus went home after the Philadelphia shows, but the crew bus remained. That meant that the artist bus left Detroit around 1:00 p.m. and barely made it to the Metropol in Pittsburgh on time, but we managed. Before we left, mad chaos took place at the office. Violent J was going crazy as usual. He took a big fuckin' axe and destroyed nearly two boxes full of CD's. It was insane. Shaggy 2 Dope, who is still recovering from that Chicago shit, got a bunch of Psychopathic Family Beenie Boyz, and lit them on fire. I don't know about those two. The trip to Pittsburgh was pretty stale. Everyone slept on the bus except for Mr. Meaner, Violent J, the bus driver, and me.

That bus driver bet not be sleeping. He need not crash this BRAND NEW BUS. Oh shit, that's right. Today, our new bus arrived at the Psychopathic office in mint condition. Soon, it will be even doper with ICP all over that bitch. Anyway, on the way here, Meaner, J, and me watched the movie "Casino". Meaner absolutely loves this movie. Myself, I like certain parts but overall, the movie is thumbs in the middle. But J, he fuckin' hates that movie. Meaner and J argued for almost 2 hours about the positives and negatives of the movie. It was actually kind of funny, seeing J and Meaner going at it over some fucking movie. We all agreed on one thing in the end: Sharon Stone is BANGIN'!

Anyway, MTV called us today and wanted us to participate in a TV show that pitted us against those fishnet faggots Coal Chamber in the Battle Of The Bands. We said "Fuck no! You don't play our shit, so why the hell are we going to help you?" MTV then responded with "Well, we will play your videos. Just do our show." Our response: "Fuck Right Off." Fuck MTV. We'll stay deep in the underground, just the way we like it. We arrived at the venue around 7:35 p.m., right during 20 Dead Flower Children's set. Tonight, the stage was small, but that didn't stop us from rocking the bitch. Jamie Madrox and The Monoxide Child invaded Pittsburgh and showed all those ninjas what the fuck Psychopathic is all about. After Twiztid's mind bending set, it was time for those "Wicked Clowns from Outer Space. From "How Many Times" to "Lil' Somethin' Somethin', they shattered those juggalos eyeballs and eardrums.

Shaggy and J rocked those 1400 juggalos in attendance and had them begging for more. After the show, from what I've been told, there was a bunch of members of the Pittsburgh Steelers standing outside our bus looking for autographs. That's the shit. Mad props to those football ninjas. At the end of the show, Violent J went on the mic and invited all the Juggalos back to the hotel for a "Juggalo After Party". The only problem was that the cops kicked all the ninjas out of the hotel parking lot, thus that party was cancelled. 3 simple words to live by: FUCK THE POLICE. The winners of skins for the night were Violent J, Dougie Doug, and Mr. Meaner. The Meaner skins were kind of funny.

After the show, I went to go get food for everybody. When I got to Meaner's hotel room, he was in the middle of fuckin'. That was crazy stale on my part, but he got his cheeseburger. He must be happy. The night ended kind of weird though. When Dougie was taking his bitch back to the bus from his hotel room, she fuckin' collapsed in the elevator. Dougie was mad shook when this happened. She's ok, but it was mad weird from what I heard happen. With the back of the bus shaking with Violent J and his bitch being the reason, I bid you farewell. Tomorrow, we play day two at The Metropol in Pittsburgh. Till then, I'm out like Abdullah The Butcher in a clear skin competition.

The Ninja Report for Cincinnati, Ohio January 16, 2000: Well, it’s our off day and were in beautiful peaceful Cincinnati, Ohio. Usually, Dougie Doug and me are the 1st ones up, but not today. I got up a little bit before noon while Violent J, Mr. Meaner, Jamie Madrox, and Dougie Doug got up ass early. The reason we are in Cincy is due to the fact that Vampiro called us last night and informed us that WCW booker Vince Russo had been fired. The whole reason we left WCW is because of Russo. He wanted to break up The Dead Pool (Vampiro and ICP) and we weren’t down with that whatsoever. So, with him gone, we were interested in returning. Anyway, since Twiztid hates wrestling, they hopped on a flight to Detroit faster than Violent J downs a box of NyQuil. Shaggy 2 Dope rolled straight out of bed and into the limo that was awaiting him, J, and Dougie. Mr. Meaner and me decided to stay at the hotel while they conducted business.

When they got to the Firestar Center in Cincinnati, where WCW:Souled Out was being held, one thing was on Violent J’s mind: NITRO GIRL SPICE!!! When they got there, the first person they saw was…Spice. She ran up to J faster than a cheetah and gave him a super big hug. WHOA!! Spice still has that Violent J fever. She said that she lost J’s number and that was why they lost touch. They eventually met up with Vampiro, and the meeting with WCW took place. Apparently, WCW didn’t want us back, so….fuck it. The JCW (Juggalo Championshit Wrestling) "Stranglemania Live" U.S. Tour starts April 1st. Shaggy went to the airport and left for Detroit and J and Dougie came back to the hotel. Guess who was hungry??

The only remaining fat kids on the bus (J and Meaner). Dougie and me went to a local Steak N Shake and got as much food to feed four people as humanly possible. After eating, J gave Dougie and me a super important ninja task. It required us going back to the arena to give a bunch of handwritten notes to Spice, Vampiro, Konnan, Eddy Guerrero, and Mark Madden. Getting into the arena and the backstage area was mad easy. As we started to hand out the notes, Doug Dillinger approached Dougie Doug and me. Doug Dillinger is the head of security for World Championship Wrestling. He asked us if we had passes or tickets. Our response was: no. We were just there to give some notes to some of the guys from Insane Clown Posse. Mr. Dillinger, being the dick he is, then proceeded to throw us out of the building.

While security was trying to throw us out, we passed all the notes to the required people, and it was all good. We told the building security to suck our dicks, and we bounced. Back at the hotel, Meaner was reading and J was talking on the phone with Mike E. Clark about upcoming projects ICP has with Krayzie Bone and The Kottonmouth Kings. Dougie got some skins from some female Juggalo who was hanging around and that took us to WCW to pass out those notes. About an hour later, we were back on the road headed to Detroit. Hold up…Waffle House, Bitch! Everybody here at Psychopathic loves Waffle House, and in we went. Since the people that work there were juggalos, they gave us half off on our bill. That’s the shit. Mad Props to them ninjas. Back in the bus we went, and the last stop was Detroit. We leave Tuesday morning for Pittsburgh. Until then, I’m out like the ice cream man in the winter.

The Secret Ninja Report for Philadelphia, PA January 15, 2000: Oh shit…it’s 1:53 p.m. and not one person is up but Dougie mother fuckin’ Doug and me. Last night, we planned to all get up at and go to the mall at 2:00 p.m. and nobody woke up on time. Oh well. Everyone eventually woke up and we all got in that bitch and headed to the mall. We got to the mall and we hit up every store in that entire mall. Know why? Well, because we be shopping, bitch! After a bunch of money was spent and a shit load of bags were being carried out, we were out. After the mall, we headed over to the ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling) Arena in Philadelphia. We went there to talk to Paul Heyman (Paul E. Dangerously), who is the head for ECW. He wasn’t there yet, so we bounced.

Ninjas, it was now time for some food! We selected T.G.I Fridays. It was mad crazy in that place. There was a bunch of TV’s all over the place playing football. NFL Football, European Football, Sudanese Football, etc! Nobody in our crew was really down with watching any polar bear football from Iceland, so Mr. Meaner got up to change the channel. He did that, and put on a movie from HBO. The waiter wasn’t pleased whatsoever. He ran like he was in the 2000 Summer Olympics Running Competition and turned on some Portugal Quicksand Football. After some hearty food at T.G.I Fridays, it was back to the ECW Arena. Paul E. still wasn’t there, but I did catch a glimpse of the 734 lb. Sal E. Graziano. He’s quite the large mammal and no joke. He’s probably one of the largest Juggalos on the planet. Due to Paul still not being there, it was off to the venue. We got there mad early.

Usually, ICP gets to the venue late, when the opening band is playing. Not tonight, as we were there and ready to rock the venue. As usual, 20 Dead Flower Children opened up the show and welcomed the juggalos to a night of horror and insanity. Twiztid hit the stage, along with Jason and Michael Myers. The entire crowd who attended tonight were Twiztid juggalos. They were singing every word like true down ass Philadelphia Juggalos should be and are. Then, those aliens hit the stage, but were quickly chased off by both Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. They destroyed the venue as it was covered in faygo on the upstairs, downstairs, and every level. At the end of the night, barely any of the artists could be found. We didn’t find Shaggy till 20 minutes after the show. He decided to go buy a hotdog during the end of the show and completely missed the last song.

Tonight, mad juggalos got onstage…damn near every one of them. The reason for that would be is you had to exit the building by walking onto and off the stage. So, like I said, every Juggalo made it up on that mother fucker. After the show, we headed back to the ECW Arena. Inside, the show had already ended, so ICP went inside to talk to Paul Heyman. You see, ICP was supposed to do an ECW PPV back in September and didn’t because they decided to stay in WCW. So, they talked to Paul about coming to ECW and the meeting went well. It ended with Paul asking ICP to call him the next day. Well, what do you know. As we were traveling to the hotel, guess who popped up on Violent J’s voicemail? VAMPIRO…he used to team with the clowns back in WCW (World Championship Wrestling) in the Dead Pool.

He informed us that Vince Russo, the booker for WCW, had been fired. Thus, there was a chance, according to Vamp, that WCW wanted us to return to their company. So, it was on…we were headed to Cincinnati, Ohio for WCW: Souled Out. We got back to the hotel and since we were at the same hotel as the ECW workers, ECW TV Champion Rob Van Dam and ECW referee Pee Wee Moore stepped onto the bus and we chilled with them for a while. After some showers, we were out out of Philadelphia and headed to beautiful peaceful Cincinnati. On the way, we stopped for food, at the Roy Rogers Restaurant. At Roy Rogers, it’s like a school cafeteria. You pick up a tray, grab what you want, and pay some old bitch for your selections. After dinner, it was back in the bus and everybody crawled into their bunks and watched some movie with Snoop Dogg and Ice T. Till tomorrow, I’m out like a screaming fetus.

MASKED NINJA REPORT 2/4/00 - BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA

Hmm, let’s see. Today started out pretty fuckin’ lame. I woke up at about 10:30am and looked out the window to see a cow marinating in a grassy pasture. So I’m starting to get scared now because I’m the only one up and I’m thinking maybe sometime during the night some wild ass ninja hijacked the bus and left us out on some southern hillbilly’s farm. After a good 45 minutes of panicking and a 30 minute interrogation period with Dougie Doug I finally remembered that our bus driver Bubba had to stop by his farm, some the fuck where in the hills outside of Atlanta, to drop off some clothes and a 50in. TV he bought off some crackhead somewhere.

About 5 hours and 2 family tours of the bus later we were back on the road towards Birmingham, where the chickens talk with more twang then a mouth harp, but none the less there are many Juggalo there so fuck off. After leaving the Bubba ranch we ended up driving all goddamn day. Now what you have to realize is that driving all day eats a fat bowl of dicks because there ain’t shit to do but… SIT AROUND A MOVING BUS ALL FUCKIN DAY!!! To make a long boring stale ass story mad short, it was as wack as having a fat hairy man, covered in salve, mount your naked ass. Pretty stale. We got to Birmingham at about 7pm. Everybody was crazy crabby because we didn’t get to go the telly before we went to the venue because of that stupid ass farm detour.

Everybody had to shit so ninjas had to take turns lightin’ up poop bags. Finally at the venue we received our first bit of good news the whole day. We were to believe that the place was sold out at 1,200 Birmingham, Alabama Juggalos, WHAT! Immediately all karma was back up to 100% and ICP and Twiztid were super geeked about rockin’ the fuck out of this show. On top of that we have never been here before so they were super hype about rockin’ new Juggalos. 20 Dead Flower Children hit the stage and blew the wigs off all 1,200 Juggalos. Here’s the hook with 20 Dead. Besides Twiztid, the crowd isn’t usually to responsive to the other groups on the tours, besides of coarse the sea of middle fingers and handfuls of garbage and quarters beaming towards the stage.

So, not only have they become homies of ours, they’ve also been acccepted by the Juggalos. Twiztid was next up to bat. They ripped that place a new dick hole, and grew it a new set of balls. Next were the clowns. Nobody new what to expect. Having never played here, the crowd wasn’t sure what they were about to see, and on the other hand, neither was ICP. All I got to say is this, they fit like a petrified penis and a Magnum condom. We’ll have to wait and see if shit’s the same tomorrow in Little Rock. The show was over and we hit the bus a lot happier than before. Big Russ came in and told J and Shaggy that Butterbean was outside and wanted to meet them.

He’s the one that knocked Bart Gunn the fuck out on that WWF Brawl For All a while back, so they were like, hell yeah!. On came Butterbean, with his sons and wife. He was mad cool. A few words were exchanged, he got kicked down with shirts and what not, then we were headed off to the telly tell. Jamie Madrox wanted to kick him in the ass on his way out, but I had to restrict him, especially after the episodes he had with Kane for putting on his mask back when we used to go to WWF with J and Shaggy. We pulled up to the Hotel and realized that 2 bitches were following us in their car. Monoxide hooked up with one.

She looked alright but she was a little on the skinny side. Also she had a boyfriend, but she was down to fuck on him, so that worked out to Mono’s benefit. Her girl went to J’s room with him, and everyone else went to mine and Shaggy’s room. 15 minutes later the door busted open and in waltzed J, sportin’ a pair of women’s panties! No fuckin’ lie. They were white with little red flowers on them. Whether they were his or that bitches is all speculation right now. Anyhow, after everyone picked their wigs up off the floor and placed them back on to their heads, J told us that girl was chillin’ and down to let us pull a train on her. Big Russ bolted to that room so quick that he gave the rug a carpet burn.

A half hour passed, and I was like, fuck all that noise, I’m next, assholes. The bitch’s face wasn’t all that, it kind of looked like an icy road covered in salt, but her body was bangin’ like a Magic Mike song. I handled my business and went back to the room. After Dougie tapped her neden, it was back to the bus. There where 2 cool ass Juggalos chillin’ in the lobby that took a Grey Hound from Florida to Birmingham, and were planning on taking another bus to Little Rock, so we were like fuck that, you ninja’s are bouncin’ with us! We also had them 2 bitches jump on to. That’s all for now because I got to get up early and go to the gym with Big Russ and Shaggy. I’ll let you know tomorrow who else fucked the hoes. Peace, and I’m out like Richard Grico’s career.

MASKED NINJA REPORT 2/6/00 - LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS

Once again today, I woke up all late and stale after everyone else was already up and at ‘em. Not 10 minutes after I rolled out of my bunk, all the ninjas besides Monoxide, decided that we were taking the bus to the mall. It was super far and boy oh boy was it ever wack. The whole place had a weird ass shit smell to it like there was a store in there selling fresh bags of dooty. On top of that, there were more hound dogs there than a fox hunting convention. Hound dogs always suck because instead of enjoying ourselves, we always have to keep them away from Twiztid and ICP. If it was Juggalos it would be cool, because they usually just give a dap and are out, but not them cock sucking hound dogs.

I can’t comprehend what the fuck is wrong with these dumb stupid ass fuckin’ idiots. They just follow them around, staring at them like some gay faggots. So if there’s any hound dogs reading this, which I hope there ain’t because I hate you, all of you can lick my ball sack from the back, you no good faggot ass fucks. Check Twiztid’s song "Hound Dogs" on Mostasteless, you fuckin’ rat bastards! Anyhow, we had to leave there pretty quick from that. I was crazy straight bouncing anyway because that mall was shitty. Literally, shitty. Back at the telly we ordered some room service, but no filet mini-jerky today, everybody just ordered cheese burgers and chicken strips.

We didn’t have much time to parlay at the hotel though, we had to get back to the bar to do tonight’s show which was starting earlier than yesterday’s for some reason. On the way to the sold out arena of 350 screaming Juggalos, J and Shaggy decided to cancel their flights to LA and go back to Detroit for the next couple days. They were supposed to fly out there to record tracks with Three 6 Mafia(a.k.a. Tear the Club Up Thugs) and the KottonMouth Kings for both of their up coming records and also put together a JCW (Juggalo Championshit Wrestling) card that they held back in December at St. Andrew’s Hall in Detroit.

The fact of the matter is that they really, really hate flying, so they were like, fuck it, We’ll just do all that shit in Detroit so we ain’t got to fly. So instead of Tinsel Town we’re headed back to the D tonight. Once again when we pulled up and 20DFC were already going off. So, once again Twiztid went right on, and once again they choked all 350 Juggalo’s faces. One odd thing that I did notice though was that it seemed to be a different crowd than last night. When ever we play a city multiple nights, a lot of the same people end up coming back again, but not here tonight.

ICP went on after Twiztid and freaked the shit out of the stage. At the end of the show, the audience jumped up on stage like they normally do but tonight’s Juggalos were exceptionally wild. By the time we pulled the clowns and Twiztid off stage they were bumped and bruised but didn’t give 2 fucks. I got to sign off now because this piece of shit lap top keeps fuckin’ up on me and shutting off. I’ll buy a new one in the D and be back with my reports on Friday in Springfield, Mo. Until then, peace and I’m out like Def Leopard’s drummer’s arm.

MASKED NINJA REPORT 2/12/00 - OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA

Well, well, well. What a mega hype day today was. That is of course if you consider doing absolutely nothing in the middle of nowhere hype. They’re going to have to start calling me Masked Ninja the Hater, because these last couple of days, besides the shows, have been extremely stale. I guess I’ll just begin at the beginning of the dullness, so maybe you can have an equally stale time reading this as I did living it. I had to piss so bad it woke me up today. That ain’t that bad it’s self, but on top of that I had the most ruthless case of morning wood, one of those morning woods that takes about an hour to go away. About 15 minutes into waking up my shit really started to hurt because I had to piss so bad and my meat was harder than an over ripe walnut.

Finally after a while my shit relaxed and I got up and shook the dew off my lily, only to realize that we were already at the venue. The word around the campfire was that the show was canceled tonight because the stupid ass promoter booked us at some weird ass convention hall thing. So to any Juggalos from Oklahoma City reading this, we’re sorry, it was the dumb idiot promoter’s fault. Anyhow the reason we were there was to pick Patrick up so we could take some photos for the JCW program. We had some photographer come in to do the pictures back at the ho ho.

We got back to the telly and the photo guy was already there. Me, Patrick, and the Rude Boy got ready to take some pictures, when I was informed by Shaggy that my mug wasn’t needed for this session. Those fuckin’ bastards. All last night I was sweating getting to bed all late because of this shit, and now they don’t want to use me today… assholes. The Rude Boy and Patrick wrapped up in about an hour, and all these hot ass Hooter’s chicks came out of this Hooters we were next to and tried to get all up in some pictures, but we all told them hos to fuck off. After the photo session we took off out of town, and headed to a small laid back city that we could chill at while Bart, our driver, could get some sleep.

After stopping at an Arby’s on the way, we ended up in a little freeway exit city called Shawnee or something like that. By the time we got there, all the stores, malls, movie theaters, and shit were closed. Well, it looked like there was only one thing left to do. Titty bar time! We finally figured out something fresh to do. We jumped in the bus and headed to the only titty bar in town. We got there and went inside, and couldn’t believe our fuckin’ eyes. This place was no doubt the biggest dump I’ve ever seen. There weren’t any naked bitches, or any bitches for that matter, in the whole place, only about 4 or 5 drunk rednecks. Luckily Shaggy forgot his ID so that gave us a reason to break at record speeds.

On the way back we tried to stop at Wal-Mart, one of our favorite late night places to stop in case you haven’t realized that already, but for some god only knows reason, the supposed 24 hour super store was closed, just our fucking luck. So instead of shopping at one of our favorite night time flavor spots we went back to the hotel for the rest of the night where we did absolutely not a god damn thing. I hope you enjoyed reading today’s exciting and adventurous report. Until tomorrow, peace and I’m out like famous rappers who try to still be thugs.

MASKED NINJA REPORT 2/20/00 - ANEHIEM, CALIFORNIA

This fuckin’ sucks fat dicks. Somehow I accidentally erased the 18th’s report. It was long as hell to cause I also covered the couple of days off before that. I ain’t gonna trick you though, I’m just going to shorten the information up a little. I’ll start on the day after we played Fayetteville. We went to Dallas so J’s sick ass and Madrox could fly home. After we dropped them off at the airport we got lost for a good 4 hours. By the time we got back to the hotel, everybody was ready to go to the titty bar. Everyone was going, crew bus included, except Shaggy because he misplaced his ID and Dougie Doug. He wasn’t mad though because Dougie had some bitches coming to the telly.

When we got back they were all salty cause I guess their chicks never showed up. The next morning everybody left for Phoenix except for me, Shaggy, and Dougie. We were flying out to New York, to go to some Toy Fare convention so that we could represent Chaos Comics’ new line of ICP action figures (due out in 5 or 6 months I think). After missing a flight, we got to the Big Apple at about 2:00am. We woke up crazy early, and handled our business at the convention. We had to cut out a little early to catch our flight out of Newark, NJ. Next thing we know, these fuckin’ airline bastards cancel our flight, so we have our travel agent book us another one and those cock suckers cancel that shit, too. Now the only plane leaving out of the New York area was taking off from JFK airport.

We caught a cab and finally got there in just barely enough time to catch our stupid plane. The flight touched down in Phoenix at about 11:00pm, when we calmly exited the air bus, got into a taxi, and headed straight to the fuckin’ titty bar. We were planning on finding our Psychopathic crew homies, but instead found a shit load of naked bitches. Nobody was able to pull any freaks, so we just headed to the hotel. Back at the telly, there was two chicks just parlaying in the parking lot. Shaggy and crew homie Patrick were quick to scoop them up. I’m not 100% sure if they penetrated the forbidden fortresses or not, but all I’m gonna say is, that when I went to bed the bus was rocking like a baby cradle on steroids. NOW.

Finally, I’m almost caught up on the shit that got erased. This day was really fucked up. The whole day basically consisted of us waiting on J and Madrox’s flight arriving. Apparently, their flight was over booked and they got the shaft on their seats. When they were able to get another flight out of Detroit, it didn’t arrive in Phoenix until way later in the day, and when they finally landed in Phoenix the security held them for crazy long. Nobody would bring it up in front of me, but I heard through the wire that Jamie Madrox tried to sneak some weed on the plane or something. Go figure.

By the time they showed up at the venue, they were like four hours late, so it was to late for Twizted to go on, but none the less ICP went on and ripped that shit up. After the show I don’t recall what happened, so it must not be that fresh or I would have remembered. We probably just went to bed. So now I can finally get the fuck back to today. I woke up surprised as hell cause Big Russ and Brian Gorie were chilling in the bus. They flew out here cause J and Shaggy are supposed to do the commentary as Gweedo and 3D tomorrow for the first JCW video tape release. It was cool to see some different faces on the bus.

Anyhow, me, Dougie, Shaggy, and Twiztid did our pretty much daily routine and went to the mall. Man, there were so many stacked bitches there, but nobody got any play. We left for the venue early cause Bone Thugs were supposed to be on the show tonight. When we got there, there were mad people showing up that we new. Lou Dog from the KottonMouth Kings invited us all to the Opium Den in LA after the show, and everyone was like fuck yeah. It was time for Twiztid to go on. The 1600 Juggalos erupted like an over geeked erection in a super freaky neden. They turned that place the fuck out.

Bone ended up canceling out, but nobody seemed to mind cause they where all thinking about hitting the Opium Den and trying their hand at scoring some skins. None the less, ICP hit that fuckin’ stage and schooled it like a retard in geometry class. Nobody was even concerned with taking showers, a whole slew of mother fuckers jumped in cars and headed to LA with their stank asses. I was in a car with Shaggy, Mike Wood (ICP and Twiztid’s booking agent), and two chicks that were with Mike. When we pulled up, the place had a silly long line. Right when we got out of the car a gap opened up and they unlatched a red velvet rope and let us all in, just like in the fuckin’ movies.

Once inside, Lou set us up with reserved seating, Suge Knight style, and started filing these supermodel bitches wearing spandex bodysuits in. It was crazy though cause ICP didn’t know how to act with people treating them like celebrities, so they just acted like themselves, some dumb asses. One by one the hotties were creeping away from the booth. By the end of the night, Shaggy ended up going home with one of those Mike Wood girls, I don’t know what happened yet but will keep you posted, and the rest of us just got back to our hotel in Orange County. That’s all I have to report for now, so, peace and I’m out like a Von Erich.