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11:23 pm
August 8, 2012
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I don’t know how much more I can take. Im schizophrenic, have severe bipolar disorder, and derealization with psychosis.
Everyday gets worse im in a constant nightmare. People look like distorted images and it’s very scary. I think I’m gonna totally fall out of reality. Now I’m hearing voices and it’s freaking me out more. Nobody understands either. I wish icp and twiztid truly knew what insanity feels like. If they did they couldn’t do what they do.
This shit is not cool at all! I wish I was normal
I just need serious support. I wake up in a nightmare and nothing about it gets better.
Meds don’t even help.
Well this is my life
11:30 pm
January 11, 2013
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I’m bi-polar and am on anti-psychochotics. 3 different meds for depression and anxiety. You can’t say meds don’t help because you’ll just get worse not taking them. You have to keep seeing your doctor until he/she gives you something that works. I’ve tried the cold turkey of not taking anything many times. Every time it made me worse. I’m finally on something that helps me throughout the day and get some sleep. Just keep going and getting help from your doctor. I know it’s hard but it’s the best thing we can do for ourselves. Don’t give up. I care about you and have been there. Two days of me not taking my stuff and I’m right back there.
11:32 pm
August 27, 2012
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By that tabs of acid ingested scale yes…by any other standard no. Im sorry to hear about your trouble homie…
Aren’t you changing locations to Florida soon? Sounds like a fresh start to me. Try to use it to your advantage if you can.
Keep me posted. I doubt I can help much but Ill do what I can if its possible. Keep your head up things will get better.
"Somewhere theres a Waffle House thats severely understaffed right now" -OCJ to Scruffy watching a second stage act at the Gathering.
12:00 am
December 25, 2012
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The only thing I deal with is Social Anxiety brought on by the fact I have PTSD. Not war related, but my mom’s ex husband mentally abused me so much as a kid that loud noises and confrontation absolutely shut me down physically and emotionally. I got to a point where I was borderline agoraphobic. I would only leave my house if I absolutely had to. (Renew my tags, doctors appointments, etc)
I don’t take meds for the simple fact that I can’t afford insurance and you basically have to be an illegal alien or knocked up to get the state insurance here in TN. It gets hard sometimes but I just have to take a breather. Sometimes it’s okay to remove yourself from something that triggers you. I just can’t fall back into the life of living locked up in my bedroom.
I really wish the best for you. People don’t understand mental illness and rarely acknowledge it as real, and it pisses me off. If it was cancer, everyone would be kissing our asses. Just take things day by day. When you see something that frightens you or doesn’t seem right, just keep reminding yourself it is not real. I’m here if you need to talk. Anytime.
12:24 am
August 27, 2012
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@sexylette420 check yo inbox sucka.
"Somewhere theres a Waffle House thats severely understaffed right now" -OCJ to Scruffy watching a second stage act at the Gathering.
12:26 am
January 11, 2013
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The only thing I deal with is Social Anxiety brought on by the fact I have PTSD. Not war related, but my mom’s ex husband mentally abused me so much as a kid that loud noises and confrontation absolutely shut me down physically and emotionally. I got to a point where I was borderline agoraphobic. I would only leave my house if I absolutely had to. (Renew my tags, doctors appointments, etc)
Same here. My dad was a dick emotionally and physically to me and my family. I became a hermit most of my life. I still battle it. I hate it. Then I lost my older brother back in September in a car crash and my world came crashing down again. Less than a month later? I see my fucking dad outside of a gas station drunk and he tries to pick a fight with me in the parking lot. I turned him in and he can’t even come near me and he’s on borrowed time. If he fucks up once within a year he’s getting sent away. Some justice was done at least but it still fucks with me. My meds are helping though and having a relationship with Jesus and my Mom. I’m gaining self confidence daily but it’s a really slow process. Gotta keep believing.
12:31 am
September 18, 2012
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You know damn well I stand up for the “crazy” people.
I’m diagnosed (professionally) with both being Bipolar, Mannic depressive and having hypersensitive hearing/touch, which (something I shouldn’t admit to cause I know @patjoyce is beefing with me at the moment and he has no limits on what he uses against people to make them feel like shit) is very closely related to autism. Everybody thinks it means that I can hear very good but it’s like, my ears are just very sensitive and certain noises will drive me into a hate fueled rage. Like, repetitive pounding usually. Especially if I’m trying to concentrate on something. But on the other hand a lot of people say I have a knack for mixing and mastering, which they say takes a well tuned ear. Don’t know if it’s related or not. I mean, I think I’m good for being self taught but not that good. And the hyper sensitive touching is like, certain things and textures just feel orgasmic while others I absolutely hate and irritate the fuck out of me, it’s like torture.
I also have suspicions of being schizophrenic because there are times when I’m just, really really paranoid and think crazy shit, like sometimes I’ll think that my friends are really just pretending to be friends to play a joke on me and that they are all really laughing behind my back or something. And I get these very homicidal urges, but that’s more hate fueled rather than being schizophrenic. All of this could also be because of my mannic depression/bipolar mixed with the kind of fucked up child hood… life I seem to have. Could be worse though. Could be in Africa with the shit and the flies.
12:36 am
September 18, 2012
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YayYay said
The only thing I deal with is Social Anxiety brought on by the fact I have PTSD. Not war related, but my mom’s ex husband mentally abused me so much as a kid that loud noises and confrontation absolutely shut me down physically and emotionally. I got to a point where I was borderline agoraphobic. I would only leave my house if I absolutely had to. (Renew my tags, doctors appointments, etc)
Same here. My dad was a dick emotionally and physically to me and my family. I became a hermit most of my life. I still battle it. I hate it. Then I lost my older brother back in September in a car crash and my world came crashing down again. Less than a month later? I see my fucking dad outside of a gas station drunk and he tries to pick a fight with me in the parking lot. I turned him in and he can’t even come near me and he’s on borrowed time. If he fucks up once within a year he’s getting sent away. Some justice was done at least but it still fucks with me. My meds are helping though and having a relationship with Jesus and my Mom. I’m gaining self confidence daily but it’s a really slow process. Gotta keep believing.
That guy that claims to be my father one time picked me up be the shirt and slammed me against the door and punched me square in the face for waking up late for school once when I was in 5th grade. And if I remember right @ocj_brendan has a fucked up dad too. We should make a club. Make a club then beat our fathers’ skulls in with it.
12:37 am
June 13, 2013
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I have bad depression for which I take Zoloft for. In recent years, I have developed an anger problem due to PTSD (shit memories of abuse and emotional trauma come back in flashes at times). So when I’m gettin really stressed and angry, I can take up to 3 capsules of hydroxyzine a day to mellow. Smoking weed works better for that though lol.
Sometimes the depression gets so bad I feel drained. And I can’t move. I mean I could move, but the mind is like “no”. I used to take abilify, but that shit made me gain weight fast.
"I Just Wanna Hide Inside My Own Private Hell"- Boondox
12:38 am
January 11, 2013
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Shout outs to us crazy people. Mood swings in the house. I will say even though being mentally fucked sucks, I do have super powers. Like an incredible perfectionist work ethic. If put my mind to do something, I become obsessive to the point where I master it. Games, sports, women, whatever interested me. I remember being a kid buying clothes and if a shirt had a tiny spec on it I wouldn’t buy it. Crazy ass perfectionist mind. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’m growing into my skin more as a I get older too so this stuff doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I’m almost starting to became thankful for being the way I am.
12:39 am
September 18, 2012
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The fucked up thing is that I see me getting just as pissed off and violent as my father all the time. :(
12:45 am
August 27, 2012
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Thats what I told sexy lette to check her pms on shes been ghost so i was filling her in
heres my bullshit since Lucem called it out…
"Somewhere theres a Waffle House thats severely understaffed right now" -OCJ to Scruffy watching a second stage act at the Gathering.
12:47 am
January 11, 2013
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Lucem Ferre said
YayYay said
The only thing I deal with is Social Anxiety brought on by the fact I have PTSD. Not war related, but my mom’s ex husband mentally abused me so much as a kid that loud noises and confrontation absolutely shut me down physically and emotionally. I got to a point where I was borderline agoraphobic. I would only leave my house if I absolutely had to. (Renew my tags, doctors appointments, etc)
Same here. My dad was a dick emotionally and physically to me and my family. I became a hermit most of my life. I still battle it. I hate it. Then I lost my older brother back in September in a car crash and my world came crashing down again. Less than a month later? I see my fucking dad outside of a gas station drunk and he tries to pick a fight with me in the parking lot. I turned him in and he can’t even come near me and he’s on borrowed time. If he fucks up once within a year he’s getting sent away. Some justice was done at least but it still fucks with me. My meds are helping though and having a relationship with Jesus and my Mom. I’m gaining self confidence daily but it’s a really slow process. Gotta keep believing.
That guy that claims to be my father one time picked me up be the shirt and slammed me against the door and punched me square in the face for waking up late for school once when I was in 5th grade. And if I remember right @ocj_brendan has a fucked up dad too. We should make a club. Make a club then beat our fathers’ skulls in with it.
Haha yeah. But I realize how pathetic he is now. Back then I thought that’s just how family’s were and I was just a horrible kid who could do no right. Same for my brother and Mom. He was just straight evil and had us convinced we weren’t shit by abusing us constantly. Even cheating on my mom. My brother finally stood up to him when he got older and whooped his ass. I never could do it even though I’m way bigger and know how to fight. Something psychological I guess with him. I freeze up still. He’ll have what’s coming to him though. He’s been given more than enough times ask for forgiveness and make things right but I doubt he ever will. He’s a psychopathic who never feels like he does anything wrong. The type of guy who refuses medical help and crying because that’s what girls do. Most insecure fucker I know. I still have nightmares about him.
The worse part is I reached out to him twice over the years, I asked for forgiveness, I wanted to make things right and be the bigger man so I could move on from it. Both times he blew me off. Then he starts static after my brother dies. I might be mentally fucked up, But at least I’m not evil incarnate like him.
12:50 am
June 13, 2013
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Lucem Ferre said
The fucked up thing is that I see me getting just as pissed off and violent as my father all the time. :(
"I Just Wanna Hide Inside My Own Private Hell"- Boondox
12:51 am
August 27, 2012
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I cold cocked my Dad in the nose when I was 16 and knocked him on his ass….it was all the payback I needed…my brother knocked me out cold in the same manner when he was 16 or so…its sorta like a right of passage in our family…come of age and beat the guy that beat you…I still feel bad about passing the abuse my Dad would unleash on me unto him..but he forgave me too and we are really close now…but I treated him like shit from age 9-14. Id do anything for him….anything.
"Somewhere theres a Waffle House thats severely understaffed right now" -OCJ to Scruffy watching a second stage act at the Gathering.
12:51 am
September 18, 2012
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You mentioned it before then because we were still beefin’ or it was before we beefed, can’t remember.
12:52 am
August 8, 2012
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I can barely even see straight or walk straight at this point. I’m moving to florida soon but idk how I will mentally handle it.everything seems like a dream, derealization is bad.
Psy has no idea what it’s really like
12:53 am
September 18, 2012
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YayYay said
Lucem Ferre said
YayYay said
The only thing I deal with is Social Anxiety brought on by the fact I have PTSD. Not war related, but my mom’s ex husband mentally abused me so much as a kid that loud noises and confrontation absolutely shut me down physically and emotionally. I got to a point where I was borderline agoraphobic. I would only leave my house if I absolutely had to. (Renew my tags, doctors appointments, etc)
Same here. My dad was a dick emotionally and physically to me and my family. I became a hermit most of my life. I still battle it. I hate it. Then I lost my older brother back in September in a car crash and my world came crashing down again. Less than a month later? I see my fucking dad outside of a gas station drunk and he tries to pick a fight with me in the parking lot. I turned him in and he can’t even come near me and he’s on borrowed time. If he fucks up once within a year he’s getting sent away. Some justice was done at least but it still fucks with me. My meds are helping though and having a relationship with Jesus and my Mom. I’m gaining self confidence daily but it’s a really slow process. Gotta keep believing.
That guy that claims to be my father one time picked me up be the shirt and slammed me against the door and punched me square in the face for waking up late for school once when I was in 5th grade. And if I remember right @ocj_brendan has a fucked up dad too. We should make a club. Make a club then beat our fathers’ skulls in with it.
Haha yeah. But I realize how pathetic he is now. Back then I thought that’s just how family’s were and I was just a horrible kid who could do no right. Same for my brother and Mom. He was just straight evil and had us convinced we weren’t shit by abusing us constantly. Even cheating on my mom. My brother finally stood up to him when he got older and whooped his ass. I never could do it even though I’m way bigger and know how to fight. Something psychological I guess with him. I freeze up still. He’ll have what’s coming to him though. He’s been given more than enough times ask for forgiveness and make things right but I doubt he ever will. He’s a psychopathic who never feels like he does anything wrong. The type of guy who refuses medical help and crying because that’s what girls do. Most insecure fucker I know. I still have nightmares about him.
The worse part is I reached out to him twice over the years, I asked for forgiveness, I wanted to make things right and be the bigger man so I could move on from it. Both times he blew me off. Then he starts static after my brother dies. I might be mentally fucked up, But at least I’m not evil incarnate like him.
Yeah, that’s how I felt for the longest time. Like, I was just being a bad child or that I deserved that. Or that, maybe I was being really really ungrateful.
12:55 am
December 25, 2012
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My stepdad wasnt an addict of any kind he just despised me for being my moms child and in his eyes I was the only thing standing in the way of him having my mom all to himself like some hostage. He called me a slut before I even know what the word was or what it meant. He was usually off on Sundays and my mom and I would call him Lucifer because it was like Sunday was the day he was the worst.
I had a lot of resentment against my mom because she let it continue for years and always took his side. She finally divorced him just last year. 6 years after I moved out of that hell hole. Thank baby Jesus for having amazing grandparents who saved my ass from his shit 90579042 times.
My mom had a kid with him when I was 16 and that was like his little cult. He basically gave my mom and little brother the world just to show off in my face that I wasnt accepted. I guess that really fucked me up because I had no idea wtf I did to make him hate me. In reality it was just because i was my moms kid from a previous marriage.
When my moms divorce was officially final, I told him to fuckin choke on a dick and suffocate. That I didnt have to “respect” him ever again. I really let all of the anger go at that point because i wasnt forced to deal with him ever again in my life. The PTSD stuck though, so I’m stick working around that.
My real dad is just kinda there.. he’s a 50 year old dude who still lives with my grandparents in michigan and hangs out at bars every weekend and rides a way too chromed out harley. I don’t like him or dislike him. lol
12:56 am
January 11, 2013
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OCJ_Brendan said
I cold cocked my Dad in the nose when I was 16 and knocked him on his ass….it was all the payback I needed…my brother knocked me out cold in the same manner when he was 16 or so…its sorta like a right of passage in our family…come of age and beat the guy that beat you…I still feel bad about passing the abuse my Dad would unleash on me unto him..but he forgave me too and we are really close now…but I treated him like shit from age 9-14. Id do anything for him….anything.
You don’t know how many times I’ve dreamed of hitting my dad like that. But I never could. He’s the only guy I freeze up around. I had my chance and I just couldn’t do it. He even gave me the green light asking me if I wanted to fight. Woulda been nice but I’m not gonna beat myself up over it. I’m a strong believer in what goes around comes around anyway. My brother and I fought a lot too but obviously now I realize why. But we both forgave each other and were cool before he passed away.
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