If you haven’t taken the time to read through the latest edition (2/26/16) of the Hatchet Herald, then you are in…well you’re in for something!

It was written almost entirely by Violent J himself, so he of course puts in some added “bonus flavor”.  We get to hear about the Violent J Solo Charity Tour, what those in attendance can expect, and how every single part of it is for charity.  Super dope!  He then talks about a can-miss announcement at the Gathering, Juggalo Day Weekend, and lots more!  Like I said, you need to read it for yourself by clicking Right Here.

Then, things get a little dicey.  J has made it clear that he is very recently single, and has been out on the dating scene for a little while now.  In this edition of the Hatchet Herald, he goes into extreme detail about a sex romp in a hotel room with what he describes as a “dime piece”.

It’s a hilariously raunchy encounter, but following that there’s an important message.  This girl was repeatedly abused by her boyfriend, and for some reason decided to stay with him after saying that she was going to leave him over and over again.  If you are weak-stomached, skip the paragraph after the GRAPHIC WARNING below, and check out the rest of what he’s got to say.  With all of that said, I bring you:

Violent J’s Dating Adventures

 

And now since I been writing these Hatchet Heralds, I’ve decided that I’m gonna talk about whatever the fuck I want, so I’ve decided to start a brand new feature here in the Hatchet Herald. My new feature is called …Violent J’s Dating Adventures!  Yes! You all heard that me and my best friend Sugar Slam have parted ways romantically, but of course we continue to raise our two awesome children together as a team for life. But now that I’m back on the dating scene, I’ve had some truly crazy adventures and I’ve decided to tell my homies, The Juggalo Fam, all about them.  First of all, I haven’t been on a ton of dates at this point, only about three as a matter of fact. But somehow all three have been fuckin’ INSANE! And as I told all my boys up here at the Hatchet about them, it blew their minds, so I decided to tell you ninjas about them as well. Here we go with story number one called … “Vikki”

Since I became single I wanted to start dating right away but I didn’t know how. First of all, technically I’m old as fuck. I’m 43, which is crazy, because just yesterday I was 26. I don’t really know where all that time went but I do know this: I’m living my dream. When you’re living your dream it’s definitely awesome, but there is a heavy price to pay — it makes time fly by. It’s true. Its great to be happy doing what you love for a living, but the penalty is that time races by super fast and you don’t exactly realize it as it happens. Suddenly I’m fuckin’ 43 and I have grey hairs in my fuckin’ goatee! I don’t care. I seriously don’t. I refuse to sit around being bummed out about being older because it’s only gonna get worse, right? So instead I decided to own it. I’m a scrub. I’m now an OG scrub. I’ve decided that now that I’m in my fuckin’ 40s somehow, I’m going to make being in my 40s fresh.  

My boys told me the first thing I’ve got to do to meet chicks is get on Facebook. The only problem is there is like 500 fake Violent J or Joe Bruce profiles on Facebook. So I decided to snap a photo of myself with no paint and I joined Facebook and then I tweeted it to let everybody know I was the real deal. Bang! My shit filled up instantly, which made me feel good, but if you try to be my friend on Facebook, it says “This person has reached their friend request limit and cannot accept anymore” But we did accept a gang of people that first day. So I been talkin’ to ninjas and ninjettes here and there. I don’t know how to operate Facebook very well because I’m old, but my boy Young Wicked hooked it all up for me. Some ninjas on Facebook know how to make my phone ding when they send me messages. So one night I was sleeping on my couch when my phone went DING! So I peeped it out and it was some chick named Vikki. She said “Hello, handsome” and that caught my eye instantly. I’ve always been big and ugly and hardly any girls have ever called or considered me handsome, so that message made me take notice. I checked out her profile and dang! She was mad hot! So I messaged her back, something like “What’s up, hottie?” Now mind you, it was 5 a.m. and I was half asleep, but talking to this girl suddenly woke me up. She was fuckin’ awesome. She was flirtatious, and calling me “sexy” and all kinds of freshness. And she was funny. I really liked her instantly. She even fired over a picture of herself gettin’ outta the shower topless wrapped in a towel. I was like awwww shiiit! She lived in Grand Rapids, which was three hours away but I didn’t give a fuck. I had “The Ringmaster” album to memorize for Juggalo Day so I asked her if I could come out there and take her out. She was about it. Freshness! So she hit me up the next day and we made arrangements to hook up!  That night I drove out to Grand Rapids happy as fuck. Billy hooked me up with a hotel and I used my fresh On Star to locate the place and I was on my way.  The drive went by with the quickness. I haven’t been with a new girl in a long ass time. About seven years, I think. I was nervous but I was geeked. I got to the fresh hotel, checked in and called Vikki. “I’m here so what’s up?” She said “I’m on my way, baby.” I loved that she was so outgoing like that, calling me “baby” and “handsome” all the time. It was very dope to me. It boosted my confidence big time. It was all very new to me. I jumped in the shower to make sure I was so fresh and so clean when she got there. She finally called and said “I’m about to pull up.” This hotel only had valet parking so I met her outside so I could be polite and tip the ninja parking her car. She pulled up in a red truck and I could see her smiling as she did so I knew it was her. I leaned into the passenger window as she rolled it down and looked at her in person for the first time. I was surprised to see that somehow she looked much better in person than on her profile page. I told her something like “Wow, you’re fuckin’ hot! You need to update your Facebook or something because it don’t do you any justice!” She smiled and said “Thank you!” She got out and gave me a quick hug. It was dope. I was on a fuckin’ date! We parked her truck and immediately jumped into mine. I have this mix CD that I made for my son (I’m trying to make sure he likes rap so I put a bunch of cool ass rap songs on a CD for him. It’s all stuff I like such as Black Eyed Peas, some Rick Ross, Bone Thugs, T-Pain, shit like that). I popped in JJ’s CD and it was perfect. The songs felt like we were on a date. I asked her if we could go to a little hole in the wall bar with a jukebox so we could fill it with great music and just kick it. That’s the type of places we like to hang out at on the road. You know, places we can just kick it and shoot pool and listen to good music all night. She took me to a place that seemed like it was way across town, which kind of sucked because I planned on gettin’ fucked up to kill my nerves and I was worried about the long drive back. We passed several other hole-in-the-wall bars as we went to the one she wanted to hang out at. Finally we arrived. It was perfect. Small, intimate, dark and shitty, just like I like ‘em. I went straight to the jukebox and fed it $20 and together we just packed it with jams. We got some drinks and sat down and started kickin’ it. She was fuckin’ awesome, no lie. She was just as funny and flirtatious as she was on Facebook. She asked what I wanted to be called. I told her my boys all call me Joe but she can call me either Joe or J, it didn’t matter. She called me Joe which I secretly liked. It made me feel more like she was into me for me. As we hung out and drank she did several things I really liked. For example, she would bite her bottom lip and look at me and just shake her head. I would say “What? What are you thinkin’?” and she would say “Nothing” and just smile but it was her way of lettin’ me know she was feeling me and found me attractive. It was fuckin’ dope. Dope as fuck!

Look, man, let me explain. I’d been married and in a deep relationship for a long ass time. And as far as with other girls I would just meet, I never had girls coming on to me. I was always a very big man, 400+. I just didn’t have chicks trying to holler at me, or lookin’ at me like she was.  It’s a cold blooded world out there if you’re overweight; you just get the bone, man. All you gotta do is watch TV. If there’s ever a fat person on TV, it’s brought up that they are fat. It’s just a mean world. I’ll have fat kid love for as long as I live, man. For real. Even if I get skinny, I’m a fat kid at heart.

So here we have Vikki giving me the sexy eye and it was just awesome and then she dropped a bomb on me.  She said “Yeah, I’m actually seeing somebody right now, but he’s an asshole. He hits me and shit.” I was like “Whaaaaaaat? Back up what did you say? He hits you?  What the fuck, man! What are you doing dating a guy that fuckin’ hits you?” She explained “We’ve been threw alot together. I was dating this guy who passed away and he was there for me. But I’ve had enough of his shit so I’m going to break up with him tomorrow.” I told her “Good! You need to let that piece of shit go! Look at you! You’re beautiful and you’re fuckin’ fun and awesome and you’re dating a guy that hits you? That’s a definite character flaw. Listen, if you keep seeing this guy, I can’t see you again. That’s just too wack. You’re way too dope to be fuckin’ with a dick head like that. If you don’t break up with him, I can’t fuck with you anymore.” She was like “Well, don’t worry about that because I like you and he’s history.” Then she asked if I minded if her sister came up to say hi and I said, “Sure, have her come up!”  Her sister came up and we all went out and sat in her car and smoked some weed. I haven’t smoked in a while but I was having fun so I was like “Gimme that shit.” Together her and her sister told me what an asshole Vikki’s boyfriend was. They told me story after story about what a dick “Keenan” was. I was mortified by what I heard. I just couldn’t believe that this hottie was fuckin’ with an asshole like Keenan.  This girl was puttin’ out some serious, wonderful karma. I mean, you could feel it. It was like a warmth coming from her and the more stories they told me, the more pissed and confused I got about this guy. Vikki kept telling me not to worry, that she’d had enough of his bullshit and that she was going to go home and break it off in the morning. Her sister left and it was on to more intimate time with me and Vikki. We just kicked it for hours, having drink after drink. It was mad fun. More bottom lip biting and head shaking had my heart pounding. I felt like a man for the first time in forever. Suddenly the ugly lights came on and the bar was closing. The lights only made Vikki look hotter. She was a true dime piece. We started driving back to the hotel and she was so awesome on the way back because I was half drunk and she was like “The speed limit’s 45, baby … watch your swerving, baby… slow down… speed up, baby…” You know, she was just helping me be carful and making sure we didn’t get pulled over. I wasn’t even drunk like that, but she was just helpful just in case I was. What a down ass bitch, man. Back at the hotel, it was about to go down…

GRAPHIC WARNING… This next part contains extreme sexual content. WARNING… WARNING… WARNING…

We didn’t jump right to it. We just kind of laid on the bed and kept on talking but then outta the blue it was like something just came over her. She just suddenly sat up and bit her bottom lip again and looked right at me shaking her head like “ohhhh yeeahhh” and she just crawled over to me and started kissing me. She ran her hand through my hair! It was fuckin’ awesome and passionate. My heart was fuckin’ bangin’ in my chest. We took off our clothes and she was bangin’. BANGIN’! Anyway, I’ll spare you most of the details except for one. She had a special talent. This is crazy and I’m sure many of you have heard of this before but me myself, I have NEVER experienced this, but she could make her neden squirt out nut! Her fuckin’ neden suddenly squirted out nut (cum) all over my arm! I was thinkin’ “What the fuck???” and as we had sex, it happened over and over again! She repeatedly nutted multiple times. I can’t really explain it but it made me feel like a super pimp! Listen to this shit. Here I am, a scrub of all scrubs and I’m fuckin’ this hottie and her neden is repeatedly squirting out nut all over either me or the bed! IT WAS FUCKIN’ CRAZY!  For any ladies out there, just so you know, a man feels great when he’s able to make a girl nut. For most girls, it’s not the easiest thing to do, and here I am making this sexual goddess nut over and over and over again.  By the time the fuckin’ sun came up and we were both like, “we should try and get some sleep,” we had to put three—THREE–big towels over the bed to cover all the wetness. It was seriously like somebody poured a pitcher of water into the center of the bed. It was so dope. As we laid there falling asleep, she just kept making this awesome noise like she was still having sex. She just kept going “ahhhh” or “oohhhh” every two minutes or so all night. Even in her sleep. It was hella erotic and sexy and fuckin’ awesome. She was just a very, very talented sexual person. I was completely fuckin’ floored by the whole experience. Wow!

The next morning, I woke up and she was ready to go again. The only problem was my dick was just too fuckin’ beat up and tired. I wanted to but my dick refused to cooperate. She was polite and understood, which made me feel good. We said goodbye as her phone kept buzzing over and over. Keenan was blowing her the fuck up. She has her own place but I guess Keenan has a key and he was calling her from her house and had been all night long. I asked her if she wanted me to follow her home and watch her back when she dumped this punk but she just smiled and said she would be fine and not to worry.  I wished her luck and gave her a passionate long kiss goodbye right there in the lobby as valet pulled her truck up. She got in, waved goodbye and blew me a kiss and was gone. I jumped in my truck feeling like fuckin’ Johnny Bravo and drove home happy as hell. I absolutely couldn’t wait to tell my homies all about that craziness I had just experienced. Plus I couldn’t wait to see her again. This was my first date and it was a perfect 10 in my eyes. Wow, man! Once I got home, I walked into the Psychopathic office and called a meeting. I told my story in full detail and schooled the shit outta everybody. All my boys were happy as hell for me.  It was great.

A couple hours later I saw that Snoop Dogg was doing a concert in town that night with a bunch of the guys from the old Death Row Records camp. I asked J- Webb if he could get me some tickets and he pulled his fresh tactics and got me on the guest list plus four.  I texted Vikki and said “Hey, how do you feel about driving to Detroit tonight and lettin’ me take you out to see Snoop Dogg in concert?” She wrote back “Yeah I’d love to come see you in Detroit tonight, but I don’t think you’re gonna want to take me out anywhere.” I asked why not and she said “Well, I’m pretty fucked up”. Suddenly she sent over a selfie and my fuckin’ jaw hit the floor! This is no bullshit, y’all — she had two black eyes and a fucked up face. I absolutely couldn’t believe it. I wrote back “WHAT THE FUCK!” She wrote back “He’s still here, it didn’t go well. I can leave in 20 minutes, I have to pack a bag first.” My hands were shaking as I wrote back as fast as I could “Fuck your bag, leave now!!!” and then suddenly she sent another picture of some fuckin’ drug addict lookin’ asshole that I assumed was Keenan. I don’t know why she sent me that, so I just asked “Who’s that fuckin’ drug addict?” Suddenly the message came back and it said “Ha, I don’t even smoke bud. You’re like fuckin’ 50 and you’re fuckin’ 20 year olds (Vikki is 26) and you can’t even spell, loser!” It was him! It was Keenan! He had her phone and was texting me! So I wrote back as quickly as I could. I said “Is this really you? Is this the guy whose fuckin’ cranium I’m going to split in half? Is this the guy whose girlfriend I had my dick 9 inches deep up in last night?” He wrote back “Is that a threat? Cause I can ruin you.” Then my phone suddenly rang. It was Vikki’s number. I thought it would be Keenan wanting to talk more shit so I quickly answered but it was Vikki! She was calm and cool and she said “I’m sorry Joe but I can’t come out to Detroit tonight. Me and Keenan are going to work things out. I’m sorry but I can’t see you anymore. I have to go.” I said “Are you fuckin kidding me? He just pummeled your fuckin’ face! You’re not coming to Detroit?” She just said “Sorry, Joe. I can’t see you anymore. I gotta go. Bye.” And she hung up. And that, my friends, is the end of my story called “Vikki.”

I ask you this — how fuckin’ crazy is that shit?  The worst part of this whole story is that the night before at the bar, she told me both her and Keenan were Juggalos and have been for years. That’s the worst part of all of this. He actually thinks he’s a Juggalo. A woman beating fuckin’ asshole like that thinks he’s one of us. If we knew who he was, he would get stomped to death, yet he comes to our shows acting and pretending he’s a Juggalo. That makes me sick. If you’re out there reading this right now and you beat your woman, you only have one title – you, brother, are a piece of fuckin’ poop smeared on the bottom of a mail man’s shoe. Just know that. AND I will never understand a woman who chooses to stay with a guy who beats them. Please, ladies, have some fuckin’ dignity, have some self respect and leave that fuckin’ crumb. Find a real man who will love you. Look at how awesome Vikki was. She was so cool and warm and full of personality, but yet there’s something wrong going on upstairs because she chooses to stay with a dickwipe like that. It’s terrible, it’s sad, it’s upsetting and it’s reality.  There are women everywhere who use cover up to hide their bruises and black eyes. It’s fuckin’ horrible.  ICP often brings up woman beaters as one of our common enemies because we feel very strong about this subject. I would have loved to save Vikki from that fuckin’ scum fuck and show her a wonderful life of real love and adventure.  But she chose him and now the boat has left for sea. What a horrible choice. I sometimes pray for Vikki when I think about her. I hope she cherishes our night together the way I do. It’s stored in my memory banks filed under “Freaky Freshness.”  The ending ruins it all, though.  Ladies, don’t let your ending suck. Make your ending the fuckin’ atom bomb.  Next time he leaves the house, pack your shit up, grab anything you can sell or pawn, grabs the kids and get the fuck out of dodge. Anywhere is better than to live a life with one of Satan’s minions. That’s all I have to say about that y’all. I hope my story wasn’t too graphic and all that; I was just keeping it totally real.  I’m out this bitch until next time when I return with an even crazier story from … VIOLENT J’s DATING ADVENTURES!!!!

That’s it y’all. Much Clown Love. Please try to attend one of the shows on Violent J’s Solo Charity Tour and please try to buy one of them fresh ass, rare and collectable “Sick Kids” CDs with the song “Sick Kids” plus a remix by Mike E. Clark and plus interviews with everybody on the tour including me, Violent J, Young Wicked, Lil Eazy-E and Nova Rockafeller!

MMFCL!
Violent J, The Duke of the Wicked

Wow.  Like the lady-nut on that hotel bed, that’s a LOT to absorb!

Let’s make sure that we don’t forget about the main reason behind the Hatchet Herald, which is Violent J’s Solo Charity Tour!  If you’re one of the ninjas lucky enough for this tour to come to your town, make sure that you do NOT miss it!!

Click the pic to enlarge!

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