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A-to-Z of Why Canada Sucks

A – Animals

We’re just trying to relax and watch some TV here and what comes on but a commercial featuring mutilated dogs and noted Canadian Sarah McLachlan begging us for money. Thanks for ruining “Judge Judy” reruns, Canada.

B – Bacon

This is nothing that hasn’t been said before, but Canadian bacon is not bacon. You’re embarrassing yourselves. Canadian bacon proves, as with all things, that it becomes instantly ruined if you put the word “Canadian” in front of it. (See: Canadian Football League.)

C – Curling

The fact that so many of you like this proves how boring your cold and desolate land really is. But if you guys ever need a job, feel free to come down here and take one of the maid jobs that Americans don’t want. Your sweeping skills would kill there.

D – Drake

“Started from the bottom now we here.” You got half of it right, guy. You started from the bottom, but you remain there. You’re still Canadian and no one with any taste likes you.

E – Eh

You don’t know how to speak properly, eh?

F – Ford, Rob

None of America’s major cities are run by a known crackhead. (Currently.)

G – Guns

If anyone in North America should have the right to bare arms, it’s you people because 79-percent (approximately) of your citizens die from bear attacks.

H – Hoops

America has helped grow ice hockey for you. But look what you’ve done with basketball. Nothing. The Grizzlies left and the Raptors historically blow. Your best contribution, Steve Nash, is now a depressingly brittle old man. Oh, and he was born in South Africa. Good job, Canada!

I – Igloos

Keep contributing to global warming by pumping oil out of the ground while living in ice houses. That won’t end poorly for you. You’re not too bright are you, Canadians? 

J – Justin Bieber

His crap music was bad enough. But his criminal behavior is unacceptable. We are a nation of laws, Canada. Up there you may be governed by crack mayors, but that doesn’t mean you can come here and continue your wanton lawlessness.

K – Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves grew up in Lebanon, New York City, Australia and Toronto. But only Canada was lame enough to claim his as their own.

L – Leaf 

You and your stupid maple leaf. It’s supposed to symbolize the strength and endurance of the maple tree, and thereby the strength and endurance of Canada. Or something. But you don’t have a maple tree on your flag, you have a maple leaf. Leaves fall off and rot every year. They’re highly susceptible to beetles and fungus. Watch out world! The nation of rotten fungus leaves is here! Be intimidated!

M – Monarchy

“We’re a sovereign nation!” Oh. Sure. A sovereign nation that has the queen of another country on its money. NORMAL SOVEREIGN NATION BEHAVIOR.

N- Nunavut

Nunavut, established in 1999, means “our land.” As though there was a dispute. I’m sure so many people wanted your uninhabited islands of ice. Get over yourselves.

O – Oil

Why do we have to debate building the Keystone XL oil pipeline through the middle of our country? If you people are so polite, you should hand-deliver fresh oil each morning to our front door like an old-timey milkman.

P – Paulina Gretzky

She so wants to be famous for being famous like a Kardashian. But she just comes off looking desperate and pathetic with 1/50th of the fame. The Kardashians get TV shows and magazine covers. Paulina Gretzky gets slideshows on crap blogs. Sure, she was born in the United States, but her father is Canadian hero and lesbian haircut aficionado Wayne Gretzky. Therefore, Paulina Gretzky is Canada’s fault.

Q – Quebec

You are not your own country. And if you were, you would be zero on the world stage. You people are more delusional than Texans. It’s almost impressive. Almost.

R – Roughriders

As recently as 1996, your stupid CFL had nine teams and two of them were named the Roughriders. Well, that’s not fair. One was named Roughriders and the other was Rough Riders. They added a space on the second one. Creative, eh?

S – Sidney Crosby

Look at this stupid face:

You just scored an overtime goal to win Olympic hockey gold in your homeland. Awesome. Good for you. But if you make that stupid face immediately after doing it, the whole thing should be cancelled. In a just world, at least.

T – Toronto Maple Leafs

So self-important. And we know self-important sports franchises here in Merica. This is the land of the Yankees and Red Sox. But at least they win championships sometimes. The Maple Leafs somehow have the arrogance of the Yankees mixed with the recent-history success of the Milwaukee Bucks.

U – Underdog

The United States is an underdog in ice hockey and curling. You are an underdog in everything and anything else ever invented.

V – Vancouver

“Oh, what a beautiful and culturally rich city!” I guess. Vancouver is basically Canadian Seattle. It’s okay. Pretty good even. But if it was in a real country it would barely stand out.

W – War of 1812

You turned American forces back when we tried to invade you. Canadians are polite my ass.

X – X-rated

“She said I wanted to eat her pussy … I would never say that. I’m happily married. I have plenty to eat at home.” – Mayor of Canada’s biggest city.

Y – Yonge Street

Your Yonge Street is the longest street in the world, running nearly 2,000 miles from Lake Ontario to the Minnesota border. These are the types of things that are considered interesting in Canada.

Z – Zarley Zalapski

Okay, that was a pretty cool name for a hockey player. Or for anyone. Good job there, Canada.