King Lucem Ferre said
When people walk up to ask me for something I like saying, “No, I’m not going to suck your dick” it’s really funny. Just random people, doing it with friends or family isn’t as funny.

One time I was waiting for the train and this guy comes up and says “Hey, I kinda have a weird favor I want to ask of you” so of course I said “No, I’m not going to suck your dick”. Turns out he just wanted money. I gave him money but I didn’t suck his dick, nuh uh, no way.

One time on break at the call center some guy walks up and asks for a favor. My response was “No, I’m not going to suck your dick”. He laughs and says no, he wants me to see if I can find this chick in the building. I ask, “So you want me to ask her if she’ll suck your dick?” he said no. So I go in, look for her, she wasn’t there. I came back out and said “She said she doesn’t want to suck your dick”.

This christian rapper kid was handing out flyers during another break. I get one and I ask, “What is this some kind of dick sucking party?” and he goes, “No it’s my rap show” and I respond with “What are you rapping about, sucking dick?” and he said, “No, I don’t rap about gay shit, I rap about positive things.” At that moment I realized I was no longer the asshole in the situation and he was the gay bashing shitty rapper. That kid would never look me in the eye again after that day. Pussy.

Oh, one time during lunch I was sitting at the hood rat table and one of the hood rats says, “I can’t believe nobody has said anything about what I’m wearing today” So I look up from my phone and tell her, “well you look like shit”. She didn’t really look like shit, she was just really annoying.

I think I like being an asshole, I think that’s what this is. I mean, I’m nice to the people in my circle most of the time.  

some winners I’ve heard:

“So, I see you aren’t Caucasian” – my brother to an Asian dude, for no reason.

“That’s a pretty small dick you’ve got there” – this big white dude in a tuxedo at a Scranton, PA club urinal, to a shorter white dude at the other urinal.

“I heard you were in the hospital, dying of AIDS” my wife, to this dude I got into a scuffle with, when he approached her at the supermarket.

“Your ignorance is staggering. And your pussy smells like dogshit.” me, to this chick I hate, to her face.

“