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Story time!!
February 13, 2016
10:51 am
Split
Nebraska
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Here's one fo dat azz... When I was 14 - 16 I worked for blues amusments carnival. It was hot, the pay was shitty and a corn dog an funnel cake diet sucks when all there is to shit in is portashitters but shit it was a good time. Any who one summer we went to a little dead ass town and while waiting for costumers I passed out. Legs for so Sun burnt couldn't barely walk. I kept on my feet for a few days but had to end summer early. A few weeks after I left Mike , a dude who married the original owner went ape shit and stabbed and shit the shit out of Sally the owner/ his wife. Then went and killed flim flam , the midway operator and a few others I believe. I guess I got out right on time.

February 13, 2016
11:08 pm
OCJ_Brendan
Springfield VA
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Im a little confused as to what sort of stories your interested in hearing.  It looks like you don't have limits and just want a thread of good stories which actually sounds pretty fresh.  Ive gotta mull a lil bit before I post one I was just wondering how to narrow down what I'm going to post.

Whoop Whoop, OCJ_Brendan :

SPOOKYtheFUNGI

"Somewhere theres a Waffle House thats severely understaffed right now" -OCJ to Scruffy watching a second stage act at the Gathering.

February 13, 2016
11:30 pm
Split
Nebraska
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I dunno exactly. Any? True ones? Make some shit up? 

February 13, 2016
11:41 pm
scruffy
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i had this neighbor once [his name was dave, but that doesnt really matter to the story], he had a dog.  it was a shaggy dog.  i mean, a really, really shaggy dog. 

people were always telling him how they just couldnt believe how shaggy his dog was.  a different neighbor of ours, who lived on the other side of dave from me, she had two dogs that were mixes of cocker spaniels and huskies or some shit, and she let them run around the woods all day and never, ever washed em.  they looked like two giant koosh balls, and even they werent nearly as shaggy as daves shaggy dog. 

i suppose i should say that i dont know what breed daves dog was;  some kinda mutt, i suppose.  aside from being extremely shaggy, it had that mutt 'look'.  also, i cant remember the dogs name...  dave gave it a name, some normal dog name like fido or whatever, but everybody called it 'the shaggy dog' anyway, cuz it was just too shaggy to be called anything else [that doesnt really matter much to the story, either]. 

eventually a picture of daves shaggy dog ended up in the newspaper [not on the front page, but still, made it in the newspaper].  after that, dave started getting visitors from all over the place, wanting to see his shaggy dog.  im sayin, it musta been three, four times a week, thered be a handful of strangers standing on daves porch, asking politely if they could pose for pictures with his dog.  some of em drove there from out of state.  seriously, they cared that much about seeing this famously shaggy dog. 

after a couple years of this, dave decided he might as well make a career of it, or at least make a little extra pocket money in his spare time.  the dog didnt seem to have any problem with it;  i think it liked all the attention.  so anyway, dave got his dog an agent [yeah, apparently, you can get an agent for your dog...], and his agent would actually book appearances for daves dog.  house parties, block parties, birthday parties [always seemed to be a party of some sort, dave liked parties].  and everybody would go on and on about how daves dog was shaggier than any dog they had ever seen. 

nothin left for dave to do but go big time.  he and his shaggy mutt were set to appear on letterman, the dog was gonna have a cameo appearance in a benji movie [as benjis shaggy partner], and there was supposed to be some deal set up where actors or other celebrities rent famous pets from people for charity events n shit like that.  the agency for dave and his shaggy dog was so busy talking to curious shaggy dog aficionados that they had to drop three other clients. 

the dog just needed a national accolade to become a huge star, so dave entered him into the only national-level shaggy dog contest, the ungroomers cup.  approximately forty dogs from all over continental america, all competing for title of shaggiest dog. 

daves dog came in seventh.  after the competition, one of the judges said, 'you know, the dog really isnt all that shaggy.' 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 13, 2016
11:47 pm
OCJ_Brendan
Springfield VA
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hmm I think it'd be fresh if people posted stories that were either true or total bullshit and didn't specify in the post.  Then people could try and decipher whether the stories held water or not...*Disclaimer I'm stupid high and this might be a terrible idea*  

Whoop Whoop, OCJ_Brendan :

SPOOKYtheFUNGI

"Somewhere theres a Waffle House thats severely understaffed right now" -OCJ to Scruffy watching a second stage act at the Gathering.

February 13, 2016
11:57 pm
scruffy
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OCJ_Brendan said
hmm I think it'd be fresh if people posted stories that were either true or total bullshit and didn't specify in the post.  Then people could try and decipher whether the stories held water or not...*Disclaimer I'm stupid high and this might be a terrible idea*  

ill give you one of each. 

 

i have worn the authentic, original chewbacca mask. 

 

i once swapped a junkies pill out with a dummy, just to watch him get his ass whupped when he complained. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 14, 2016
12:19 am
Split
Nebraska
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Man that mufukkin shaggy dog story is great! Funny shit

February 14, 2016
8:18 am
Cabracan
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Once when i was 18 years old i visited a Media school in Hamburg(where i live now). It always ended 10 p.m. and i had to ride the train and then walk 6,21371 miles to get home because it was too late to catch the last bus and i had no money for a taxi. The route i was taking home got me along a country road with 4 tracks and on the first half there is forest on the side and on the second half there are fields so you can see till the neighbour towns military training ground(among this area entwine many mystic storys in my home town at this time). So one evening when i was walking home all of a sudden it was bright as the day for just a second. I thought "oh please no, not a thunderstorm" but i couldn´t see what it was because of trees in my field of vision. Every ...i guess.. 30 seconds or something the light flashed again and again and again and i was wondering what the fuck it was that caused these flashes. When i finally made it to the section with the fields i could see what it was, in the area of the military ground was a faint light that floated slow in the air to release a big bright light that made my whole field of vision bright as the day, as i said before, and then sink very fast and faint again back to the ground. This procedure took about 30 seconds and then again. After it did this 20 times i think it cutted off and it was a normal night again.

 

Back home i thought it maybe was a flare gun but i looked it up on youtube and nope this is not what i saw and i´m not talking about aliens when i say i saw an unknown flying object. Maybe someone knows what i´ve seen?

February 14, 2016
1:29 pm
scruffy
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Cabracan said
Back home i thought it maybe was a flare gun but i looked it up on youtube and nope this is not what i saw and i´m not talking about aliens when i say i saw an unknown flying object. Maybe someone knows what i´ve seen?

it was almost certainly a prop plane or helicopter tossing out illumination flares. 

illum flares are suspended from little parachutes, and they are incredibly bright. 

 

i see those things almost constantly, here. 

despite the fact that everybody knows about em, the local cops still get dozens of ufo reports, twice a week. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 14, 2016
10:55 pm
Old Mr Dangerous
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My brother loved LSD during his youth, as many of us do. 

This particular trip found him in the deep forest of Connecticut Hill, a spot that lies just south of Ithaca, NY. 

Many have haunting stories of ghosts from this place that I've met (there is even a tiny graveyard up there, for some reason, just in a sudden unkempt patch of woods ).,.,.,.,., but this isn't a ghost story. 

This is a quick one about the insanity of man.

....

So Jesse was up there with no more than three or four people. No close friends, really. Just hallucinogenic acquaintances, mostly.

As the trip intensified, and the world became little more than what the orange glow of the campfire allowed, Jesse tells me that an actual schoolbus appeared and parked at the end of their site.

Let me say that Connecticut Hill is not even really a camping spot. It is primitive woods, with barely drivable roads. I once saw two small black bears run out in front of my girl's minivan after a rather memorable night there with my own group of friends (a story only available by request lol, that one). . Anyway, this place has a very rugged, abandon-all-hope vibe. It is a long walk just to get back to the field that leads out of the forest to the road into Ithaca. You can get a sense of raw isolation up there, sometimes. 

So this bus pulls up, and immediately a bunch of folks run out. A couple girls in particular are saying things to my brother, who is sitting and frying by the fire, that the guy driving the bus is crazy and just escaped from an asylum. . I regret to say that I never got to ask my brother any more details about this part of the story, like how long they were there, if the guy indeed was crazy, etc. But eventually they left, I gather. That was just the start.

This older cat, Jim, was tripping and tripping over some money issue or something with the other guy that rode up there with them. He became increasingly irritable as the night went on, and maybe the insane vibes of the bus full of maniacs amped the mood up. But suddenly Jim had enough and slammed the other guy onto the dying embers of the campfire. Which, as you outdoors folks know, is an insanely hot bed of hot coals.

Jim yelled and held down this guy on the coals of the fire for who knows how long. Long enough for the guy to plead, as my brother said,

"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING JUST PLEASE LET ME OFF THIS FIIIIIRRREEE!!!!!"

He held him down long enough to melt a healthy dose of this guy's ass cheeks off. He now has to wear a prosthetic ass.

I don't know of any legal repucussions or even how the rest of the night ended, but yeah, what a thing to lay on a guy with a head full of acid. 

They say that on the right kind of night, you can still smell the booty burning in the bushes. And a lone voice yelling for help out of a hot coal pile.... well, nah, no one besides me has said that, but it is indeed a wacky pocket of weirdness up there.

February 15, 2016
7:22 am
Cabracan
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scruffy said

Cabracan said
Back home i thought it maybe was a flare gun but i looked it up on youtube and nope this is not what i saw and i´m not talking about aliens when i say i saw an unknown flying object. Maybe someone knows what i´ve seen?

it was almost certainly a prop plane or helicopter tossing out illumination flares. 

illum flares are suspended from little parachutes, and they are incredibly bright. 

 

i see those things almost constantly, here. 

despite the fact that everybody knows about em, the local cops still get dozens of ufo reports, twice a week. 

Ok thank you scruffy i looked it up and this could very well be it. Mystery solvedcheers

and lol @the_positive_smack for chocolate penis and guinness vagina and @old-mr-dangerous for Conneticut fried Buttcheeks haha

ya´ll had me laughinglol

February 16, 2016
7:39 am
Split
Nebraska
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Here's a story of when to walk away...I grew up with this dude named tommy. He was a few years older than me but we were tight. We always got blazed together and walked the hood reppin our flags. Well one night a pipe bomb was thrown into his apartment complex. It went off which also detonated a meth lab in his neighbors apartment. His mom and sister got killed. He grew distant and became a big time dope man. He got popped and went up for about 3-5 years. Once he got out I tried to say what's up And we he wasn't the same homie. He acted harder than me and evidently fucked an old bitch of mine and had somethin against me now. He told me she was his blah blah blah and said her titty nipples looked like AK bullets and shit whatever. I'm like it's coo man me and her are done but that wasn't enough. Twice after that he would see me in the hood and be like, " hey buddy come here" I'd walk up and he would blast me in the mouth. So I stepped back and let it register and was like man fuk you bitch it's on I thought we were boys. As soon as I'd square up he pulled this dirty hairy 45 out of his pants and said what the fuk you gonna do. I walked away. Alive. So I left him alone and one day one of the other neighborhood peeps told me he said he was sorry and to come see him. Hahaha I was like nah I'm good. Shortly after that... He died. The end

February 16, 2016
11:11 am
Split
Nebraska
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He overdosed bangin dope

February 16, 2016
1:07 pm
scruffy
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Split1open said
...  Twice after that he would see me in the hood and be like, " hey buddy come here" I'd walk up and he would blast me in the mouth.   ... 

twice?!  

 

i mean, cmon...  twice?! 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 16, 2016
2:04 pm
Split
Nebraska
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Yea. I'm not the most proud to admit that considering I've branded with some beasts and been stabbed multiple times in fights but something about a 45 I'm my face told me walking away was the smart thing to do G.

February 16, 2016
2:27 pm
scruffy
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Split1open said
Yea. I'm not the most proud to admit that considering I've branded with some beasts and been stabbed multiple times in fights but something about a 45 I'm my face told me walking away was the smart thing to do G.

not that.  firearm vs no firearm is a no-brainer. 

 

im talkin bout, how you gonna go up to the guy the second time, and get blown up again? 

setting aside walkin up to him at all...  wouldnt you at least be ready for it? 

is the guy so fierce that you must let him whup up on you on command, lest there be dire consequences later? 

 

its easy to say some hard shit like, 'oh, idve geared up and gone after him blah blah' [and i mighta done that, circumstances depending; i dont take very well to havin people draw on me]...  but there is no way in hell i woulda just walked up to the guy again, after takin a sucker punch.  

thats what i dont get. 

 

trivia tack-on:  dirty harry had a .44 magnum, not a .45. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 16, 2016
2:36 pm
Split
Nebraska
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I've never been the smartest bruh. That's all. And like I said he had a dirty hairy Lookin long revolver. I'm not sure what caliber.

February 17, 2016
7:59 am
Split
Nebraska
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Haha one time I was drunk fukkin the shit out this chick, just beatin cheeks, and I'm like ohhh here it comes and boom just started PISSIN all over her. She was like wtf! I said oh my bad and finished going on the side of her bed.

February 17, 2016
6:34 pm
Old Mr Dangerous
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It's funny as hell that he's dead. I love it when nobodies die. 

February 18, 2016
4:39 pm
GanjaGoblin
215, PA
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My roommate and I were out doing laundry one night. We stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and from a few blocks away, we see/heard this guy screaming "Yooooooo! Yooooooooo! Yoooooooo!!!" He's getting closer to us, still screaming Yooo. We're accustomed to bums coming up to us asking for smokes or some change, so we went inside hoping to not be bothered by the dude. He followed us inside still screaming, "Yooooo! Please help me. Do not be afraid of me!" And we're like great, lets go see what he wants. We walk up to him, the dude is missing an arm and has a prosthetic leg. He wanted us to drive him to get his chair and to call his bank to check out how much money he has. Checking his bank account was irrelevant while he chatted with my roommate. He's begging us for a ride home so I called a taxi for the dude instead. So when my roommate and I are out somewhere and we're fucking with people or introducing ourselves at a party, we always let out a long deep "Yooooooooo!" To us, it was funny. Not the shitty situation the guy was in but the Yoooooo itself, how the guy talked and all, was funny. 

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