What up homies

(Content warning, I’m to quote my dear favorite Bojack “drink and a little nauseous but beep beep”

and by drunk and a little nauseous 

i mean

 I’m blind drunk, not nauses at all, and I am the most glorious of trips

guided here by my supportive boyfriend. By wonderful juggalo family

y’all have been a brother and stranger a uncle, a father and a mother to this cruel product of this world 

y’all told me “trust the trip” and of course trust to fam

i met all kinds of new friends

including, as I noticed before the high hit and now in this enhanced lucidity were not only juggalos and lettes

but were, as I once valued, trans 

before I say I valued this not in forsakenance of my trans identity

but rather in the social long term observation, that among my people it is not relevant

some of y’all might see me as a crazy methead sqackint at you at the bud station

or some may view me as a truly damaged soul trying to survive the brutal world that molded me

Or some may view me as I hope to view this for the rest of my life

And a propietario of wisdom

funny thing about wisdom, and 3 wise men what it even is they’ll all tell you something different 

in the past I referred to wisdom as what shan’t be learned by the novel but comes t with experience

but now I regard wisdom and my juggalo family as the same

a life raft

 

snd special props to the man of the fucking last countless hours

scotty D

and that motherfuckin. M

so I was out mixing some crazy shit and y’all know me I’m a huge druggy m, but today I’m a whole nigh 

because

In the past I always felt like I was either too downer or too upper

like a zombie or a child like I was befor, 

same kindd of child bad peculiar violatioted

 

but i was the around the homie the MotherhfcIjtrwmikt 

the homies 

they kept me the life of raft

my wonderful boyfriend and my ever supportive family 
yall not only have seen me in my worst tumes

and had the balls to tell me what I need to gear

i might be a tad late to work on my upcoming engagement 

But right now nothing matters but my boyfriend and my family 

But yeah as I was saying, this is my favorite night and favorite high

Everything else felt like I was a victim 

but now I am truly me

truley emb

 a know gg allin and I have shared doubtless similarities throughout the years
And I can’t tell if what I say in this day

is in vile or in agreeance with Scum fuck mother fucking gg goddamn allin

but, though comparing that man to me is something I have spent more than I could care to admit 

but today, I stand in both defiance and allegiance with that mother fucjer

by way of the motherfuckin JUGGALOS

you are the thing that everything in my life sense

my whole life I’ve been the victim of a man who raped me, and several other equally precodatrotiois

too high to word, this was word supposed to mean predatory

with the intention to harm, knowledge than I was  young and weak the kinks to get to turned on by that (as a result of all this I’ve become a bit a pain slut who regularly fantasized about being killed and raped and having dead body violated by all manner of beings

Be they my ever empathic homies who’ve been life raft all the years to the most miserable vile being on earth 

be it a maggot or my own boyfriend 

i always came back to my own dead body and my child self, bleeding knowing that everyone that knows more than me is only out to rape me

 

all my life, I have associated bugs

With the repulsive

the unethical 

too Inhuman to be compared against the other beasts

I spent my life hallucinating these insects in association with my trauma

be it the filth of the men who degraded me all that years ago, the aftermath of dead bodies for which I both envied, obsessed over, and came to be molded by

I was about 6 years old when I first saw the horror masterpiece the Exorcist 

And it would not be even 2 years later

Id not only hear that these travesties are true

not only true my homies. 
but I see now that our constant  ascribing a spiritual or demonic presence to every minute horror of the world

only seems to uphold a nonsensical and absurd sense of meaning

this universal need for meaning is nothing more than a self defense mechanism

so ingrained that you all, whether you have shed yourself of these preconceived notions

or if, like me, the lingering Oder of a dead body for which we have long since passed and for which none cares, yet all claim to

today I come before you to say

i am not an injured rabbit 

I am not a human bleeding soul

i am free of any need for meaning

my past does not matter, and my future does not matter.

really we’re all just tiny specks so it doesn’t matter what we did before or how we’ll be remembered

all that matters is this beautiful moment we are sharing together

two lost souls (or, if anyone has humored me) potential people, all sharing in this glorious moment

only I’m looking at Sarah Lynn

funny? I thought he was a girl but looks are always deceiving to those who are festering in a never ending sea of defense mechanisms.

but for me, Sarah Lynn was a man

and i don’t care how fuckin stupid I sound sayin it, he is a juggalo 

who somehow both introduced me to and was the first to introduce everything that gave real meaningful happiness

I turned him into a juggalo, he turned me into a smoker, and both of us feel the first time we ever got to truly sexually consent With another being on our level.

every Time before felt like either 2 headless moths attempting to mate within minutes of their own demise.

or I felt like a monkey, with broken bones by a cruel master

but since I met my boyfriend

And this glorious family of mine

the only family that matters

have shown me the joys and pleasures of life.

“returning once more”, yet again a similar phrase I once used to excuse my own toxicity, or even just the uncomfortable yet memorable “cocaine worms”

For one reason or another, I always associated my trauma with the imagery of crawling bugs

but today, I looked out upon a grass field and saw before me a sea of insects.

And the only thing my fucked up brain could think to do was roll around in it.

this shit ain’t like when I used to just get high

Fuck everything, nothing matters but the fucking fam