Man, I’m hungry right now. Since it’s 1:45 AM EST, that means I’m officially fucked. So, to battle my hunger, and not make it worse in any way, I think about food. Fat guy food. The subject of my current fantasy is burgers, big ones. My current favorite is the Wise Guy burger at Red Robin, but you can easily make it at home. Only thing is, it won’t be as good, but fuck it. Let me share why I’m single, this burger consists of two quarter pound angus burgers, topped with pepperoni, marinara sauce, and 3 deep fried mozzerella sticks. It’s about 8 inches tall, and it makes me happy. Eating it in public will get you some scary looks man, for real. I see people getting their cell phones ready to call 911, like this fat muthafucka ain’t gonna make it. It’s all good though, if you don’t look at anybody you won’t even know they’re frightened for you, fuck ’em. Yes my friends, this burger rocks my world. I can’t even stand up after I eat the whole thing and a neverending pile of unlimited steak fries. It’s not because I’m full, it’s because I have an enormous hard on and getting up like that in public will get you on youtube for all the wrong reasons. Holy fuckin shit I’m hungry. Know what else is dope? Take a half pound angus burger and bless a big ass bun with it’s presence, then add a slice of your favorite cheese to the top and the bottom of your new friend. But your new friend is lonely, obviously, and needs about 5 strips of bacon to keep him company. Now your burger friend is happy and content. It’s also his birthday, and he doesn’t know it yet, but I got him 2 fried eggs for his birthday. Throw some ketchup on that fucker on the top, and you’re almost there. There’s still some room on the bottom, so we need to do something about that. My solution is onion rings. About 3 of them, but it’s your burger man, who am I to tell you to stop at 3? It’s all about you man, do what you feel is necessary. You’re also going to dump some ketchup on your new bottom feeder friends, and they will thank you for it. You now have a bad ass burger, in my opinion. The kind your Mother never made you as a kid, because she didn’t want you to, you know, die. Another heart attack on a bun that I would like to share with you is my double down bacon mushroom burger. Take a big ass bun (you know the ones, they say big ass buns), and introduce both sides of that bitch to sauteed mushrooms. Lots of them. Don’t feel the need to be stingy, as you won’t be sharing any. Then take 2 quarter pound angus burgers and grill them to your liking, I prefer medium rare. Then put one on each side, separating the burgers and mushrooms by your choice of cheese..It’s cool, just put it on cold, the sauteed mushrooms and freshly grilled burgers will melt it quite nicely for you. Since there’s all this space in the middle, throw in 5 strips of bacon dripping in grease and since they’ll be lonely in the middle, and onion rings and bacon get along great, put ’em together and let ’em hang man. Dump some ketchup in there and you’re almost dead. Now, I’m always looking for new combinations and ideas, and I would love to hear yours. So what’s up fam, what’s your favorite fat guy burger?