and I don't know you, so I have no problem with saying that was terrible. you get points for effort though. and your working with what you have. 

practice your writing skills, and select better beats. 

JiffyLong said  
You do allow it? I never thought it mattered.    

allow for it.  as in, you get a few extra points for being a young novice.  

But also, yeah, don't look at this as a finished style, this is just the development. I'm sure other artists go through development, but the difference is that I'm kinda showing it. I'm sure others do to, but I wouldn't know. 

and, if youre gonna pick beats up off the ground, be more selective.  theres a bazillion classic instrumentals out there.  

Edit: So in other words, they're kinda blinded because they know me. 

Alright. I got it. But, I might have to wait a little. I can't make beats really at the moment, I don't really have much shit to go off of, so I just found that beat. Like honestly, I'm recording from my schools iPad. But, yeah, I see your advise, and I'll keep that in mind. And like you said in another post, I do have time, a lot. 

JiffyLong said  
But it's still cool to hear what you think.    

brace yourself for coolness.  

bad mix, beat is way too sparse.  yours i assume?  at least there is that.  

writing is buttery.  quite buttery, actually.  elementary school rhymes, lyrics have no real point.

delivery is the best quality, and still nothin great.  like youre thrown off a lil by the sound of your own voice, perhaps.  in this category, though, youve got the warlock beaten handily.  

track is about a 3.0, unfinishable.  

for reference, a 0.0 would be the sound of a crosscut saw ripping through a bundle of cable, while the tazmanian devil raps over it.   [this is exactly how i describe some of the shittier metal bands, by the way]  

long as you view all this as practice, you may improve enough to rebrand, and take an honest shot at it.  in the future.  

if you put out the same dreck over and over, and stick to a gimmick youve long since worn out, all while claiming to be a skilled and talented mc...  well, youve seen how that goes.  

a couple bits of advice:

one -  get a library going of dope ass beats.  at least a cd worth, anyway.  beats that you never get tired of, that make you wanna flow.  listen to them whenever youre not listening to anything else.  

write rhymes in your head.  challenge yourself to find rhymes youve never heard used before.  

two -  get you a jedi master, and learn the ways of the force.  

without knowledge of your craft, you will be a farmer who can do a couple cute tricks.  

three -  thematically, dont bother focusing real hard on gags, they dont matter right now anyway.  if you do have a cool and original idea [demonic gangster is not one of these], save it for when it counts.  

in the meantime, until people start respondin to your songs with 'hey, now thats dope!', theres no point in gimmicks.  i mean, you can use them, sure, they just dont help.  

if you lock yourself in to a lousy gag, especially early on, you force the same kind of creative limitations a tribute band faces.  nowhere to go.  

four -  get some good beats for anything youre gonna put your name on.  beats you own.  

no lie, you got a lot of work ahead of you.  a lot.  

A new track. Kinda shows what !JIFF! does. If you guys haven't known already, !JIFF! is kind of an alternate persona type thing. I rap as him. He's a pagan demonic gangster from Hell. But yeah, this is it, a new track. There's improvements, if not, tell me otherwise.