Ladies, don’t get served! I WILL serve you! Hot and ready out the oven, servin it up like Faygo Grape burgers off a flaming bbq grill, it is that time, once again, for the Lettes to gather up and go on a quest for…the Crown. I’m talkin bout the title of all titles at this year’s Gathering:

Where my Juggalette Queens at?

This is a public service announcement: The severed head of former pageant parasite Ron Jeremy has been mounted with care on Scottie D’s wall:

The lovely Mrs. D, first lady of FLH, shows off her trophy prize

And now that pest control has done away with “The Hedgehog,” it has become very clear that the ladies of the scene will continue to reign supreme and take the stage for the esteemed title of Juggalette Queen on our OWN terms for many years to come.

Long live the Lettes!

This is your official casting call for the 2014 Miss Juggalette Pageant, hosted by our friends at Psychopathic Records, with pregame shenanigans and BBQ provided by Faygoluvers.net and the gypsies of the Dark Carnival Tarot, for ALL you lovely ladies vying for the crown and supporters.

We are Family.

Join us and party down with some pregame BBQ, Saturday at 3pm at the Carousel Stage. Don’t miss the sequel–the biggest party of GOTJ with all the ladies in the mix. This is your time to shine and bring your best personality, talent, and swimsuit (oh la la) to the stage, ladies! And after last year’s insane performances, which included fire breathing, flaming hula hooping, singing, speed rapping, poi, poetry, twerkin, champion weed rolling, and, yes, music by The Clue, you better bring it if you want to take the title from our reigning Queen Serenity.

If you don’t like The Clue, then I don’t know what you’re doing with your life. I really don’t.

And for all you super freaks and internet trolls wishin’ Ron Jeremy was still in the mix, let me say this: You still got the Wet T-Shirt Contest, the Horny Nuts and Big Butts Party, and the Girls of Wolfpac to bring that extra freaky flavor you know and love all weekend long! Wile out on that tip. We love your sexy, superfreaky, crazy selves!

The Miss Juggalette Pageant is a little different because it provides the Juggalettes with an opportunity to celebrate their sexy and gorgeous selves on all levels. You got the brains of a mastermind psychopath? You got the heart for the fam? Are you the downest Lette in the land? Show em what Juggalettes are really made of, on all levels, and let’s make that crown a prized possession and a symbol of who we are, inside and out, for years to come: I’m talkin bout that Opaque Sisterhood. This is a celebration of the ladies of the underground–all shapes, sizes, and walks of life. We love all the Lettes, no exceptions.

That said, this year’s pageant is a party for the Juggalettes, by the Juggalettes.

We’re calling it Lette’s Respect 2: Electric Juggaloo!

And if you’re too young to get the 80’s reference, we talkin bout breakdancin’, making the earthquake, takin’ the house down, and bringing it like a fireball from the mouth of 2013’s Queen Serenity herself…

Boom.

Do you have what it takes to represent for all the ladies of the scene? On the Carousel stage, Saturday at 3pm, come join us for our prepageant BBQ. We need your help to do this up the right way, Juggalettes!

My name is the lady J-Rach aka Rachel Paul of the Dark Carnival Tarot and Faygoluvers.net, and I will once again be your backstage host and personal attendant, hooking up aspiring contestants with anything you need, from water to snacks to wardrobe to…chair massages? Oh yes, my little clowny divas. My infamous “Mr. Juggalo Dance Team” (hilarious to some but feared by Scottie D) will be on site, ready to attend to your every need and pamper you while you prepare your act, mingle with your fellow competitors, and entertain the family for three rounds of flavor:

Round #1: Personality. With questions written and overseen by yours truly. But don’t get it twisted. This year’s pageant may be “by the Juggalettes, for the Juggalettes,” but my lips are sealed! I am sworn to secrecy but can tell you this: the questions have been scientifically structured and vetted to produce optimal, accurate measurements of degrees of “juggaluggalation.” Want to know the ICP-themed, Faygoluvin’ flavor that awaits you in the personality round? Then come to the pageant, nab some pregame BBQ, vie for your crown, and let your personality shine!

Round #2: Talent. This year we already have an array of aspiring talent waiting in the wings, from belly dancers, to silk suspension artists, to acrobats, to rappers. Bring your talent into the mix and shine, shine on! Are you a singer? A dancer? A performer? A juggler? An artist? Or maybe your talent is just being awesome. Either way, we want you for Juggalette Queen 2014!

Round #3: Swimsuit. Last but not least, in the swimsuit round, we can strut our stuff however we so choose. The Miss Juggalette Pageant is one-of-a-kind because it celebrates the unconventional beauty of the exceptional women known as the Juggalettes. This means being yourself and getting creative, ladies. Last year, my sister Toots Thyninjette donned the Lake Hep Dive Team scuba gear:

And she found Shaggy’s missing chain!

We’re in a new place now, ladies, so you’ll need to bring something more fitting for Legend Valley, with an emphasis on Legendary. Show off that body-oddy-oddy (or body-oddy-oddity, if you a circus freak like me), however you so choose.

Your mission is to encompass personality, talent, and beauty in ALL forms: Show the scene you are the triple threat and win big, representing for Juggalettes worldwide.

Prizes include the crown, scepter, and sash; a crazy fresh merchandise voucher; bragging rights; and (just added) your very own Faygoluvers.net postpageant interview and bio piece, showcasing your talent and highlights of your pageant experience, thus marking the beginning of your reign as this year’s undisputed Queen of the Scene.

Not sure what to bring to the stage? Want to show some love? Hit us up at facebook.com/lettesrespect or facebook.com/darkcarnivaltarot. I’m here to help you surpass any obstacle, answer any questions, develop your act for the talent portion, and get up the nerve to climb up on that stage like you damn well should and shine beautifully, my Juggalette Queens!

Stand up, ladies! Let’s party down, have some fun, make some summertime memories, and celebrate with the family. We love all the Lettes!

Saturday. 3pm. The Carousel Stage. With BBQ provided by FLH and the DC Tarot. Join us for the biggest BBQ bash of GOTJ, with ladies who are hungry for the crown and much more.

Love your Lettes, spread the word, keep it wicked, stay down with the clown, and to all my ladies–Lette’s get it poppin and loud as we prepare to do it up big in the quest for our crown.